Truth Excuses

 Have you ever been around someone who "skirts around the truth"? They don't have the courage to speak or write the truth so they "skirt around the truth" and blame it on someone else. It is the person who plays the victim with the angry outburts and suffers from depression, even admits to it. Every bad thing in the world has happened to them. They are self-absorbed in a strange, negative way. Nothing is really their fault.

In one of my classes, we have been a personality construct that is termed as "Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood" or TIV. TIV is defined as an "enduring feeling that the self is a victim across different kinds of interpersonal relationships" of which there are several core components, including:

Need for Recognition: I have an experience where a woman I know of has a high level of need for her victimization to be seen and recognized by others; social media, letters, telephone, emails, etc.

Moral Elitism: Seeing oneself as morally pure or "immaculate", and seeing those who oppose, criticize, or victimize oneself as completely immoral and unjust. The truth can be placed in front but it will be looked over and thrust away.

Lack of Empathy: In my experience with the same woman, she has little empathy or concern for the suffering of others because her victimhood is much greater than the suffering of others even at the annihilation of her own acts. This includes her dilated entitilement to act selfishly or harmfully towards others without recognizing their pain at her destruction.

Rumination: She has a tendency to brood and remain extremely fixated on times, ways, and relationships where she thinks she has experienced victimization and her fear of being taken advantage of. There is a tendency to recall the negative occurences in her life instead of the positive.

Individuals who were high in the tendency to see themselves as victims felt feelings of hurt more intensely, felt that hurt longer, and were more likely to recall that hurt at later times. They responded more strongly to negative stimuli. People who saw themselves as enduring victims were more likely to hold grudges, seek revenge, and to feel entitled to engage in immoral, destructive behaviors in order to punish others.

Truth will never be told, never be written, blame placed elsewhere, angry bantering, the innate social media posts, and the name throwing are all in an attempt to feel justified in 'truth' excuses for her actions. And life goes on ...

Setting the Story Straight

 

I had a relative of my stalker who sent me a public post written by her. I know she is referring to me and I am not embarassed in the slightest. I have developed great courage, perseverence, and faith in her actions and how I do not want to be. I am taking care of a disabled husband and work hard to care for him and our properties. I love that she inspires me to be a better person today than yesterday. Her hatefulness, her mental illness (proclaimed by her), and her fake persona is easily seen through and through.

"If you run up a bill with an attorney, and then file bankruptcy against the attorney!!!! So you don’t have to pay him/her!!!! Is he/she still your attorney? Asking for a “sister in Christ”.

Let's set the story straight; how I pay my bills is my business. She has no idea what happened to us during the time my husband was in hospice because she did not make an attempt to care for her dying husband. She did not work two and three jobs to care for him because she was too busy receiving aid from the government.

The attorney bill that she is writing about is HER'S, THE STALKER, to pay. She is court-mandated to pay the attorney bills that she is referring to as well as a judgment amount to me. NOTHING HAS BEEN PAID; attorney or me! Over $42K.

She does not know what we have paid the attorney and she claims to be a Christian who pays all of her bills; yet receives government assistance and food stamps; and tax evasion. She hids under the umbrella of a business so we cannot collect on the judgment (there are ways around this).

She could not care for her husband; she divorced him; attempted to take his assets from his family; can barely care for herself; all while having an affair with another man.

She is a coward and a fake because she cannot and will not write truth. I dare her to write that she owes our attorney and us in settlement monies for her bad behavior and personal destruction. We know her reputation and what she does to all persons besides us including memebers of her own family.

Your Sister in Christ! After all, it is Christ who does know the truth!

Why A Stalker

Being stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go. 

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know and often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help. I have learned that misery loves company and abusers are attracted to other abusers.  In this, I take peace.  It is not my issues but theirs.

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.  My stalker made the internet her army.  She defies authority and hides behind a new name.  This is the coward trait of a stalker.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.  What about a person who continually contacts a person's employment in order to harassment and cause possible judgment and severance.  In my case, my husband and I have contacted a employment attorney and with his assistance, I will present those to the public that have done such and ask for relief from the courts. 

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. Even family members can profess love and yet stalk and maim from the background.  For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior. It can even be a family member.

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

• Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you. 
• Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
• Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
• Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order. I was granted a permanent injunction against my stalker but it hasn't stopped her so more criminal action is being sought.

References:

Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims

1. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
2. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
3. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

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To Love Our Enemies

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison ..Nelson Mandela

To love our enemies does not mean that we suddenly become their friends.  If it is our enemies we are to love, they must remain enemies.  Unless you have enemies, you cannot love them.  The moment you choose your friends, their enemies become your enemies.  By having convictions, we make ourselves the enemies of those who oppose our convictions.  I received an email to my website asking how I do not hate my enemy, my bully, my stalker.  I told her that it is my adult woman enemy that has given me success, inspiration, and the desire to be better.

When we have a mutual intimacy with a friend, it is one of the greatest gifts of life.  I enjoy my close friends; some since early childhood.  Friendship allows for many degrees of closeness and takes many different forms.  With enemies, it is the complete opposite.  After all, the word enemy comes from the Latin word, inimicus, and it means simply, not friend.  Enemies are opponents in mutual opposition in matters of deep concern.  Their goals are opposed to our own highest aspirations.  Thus, out of conviction, we must actively prevent them from reaching their goals.  We can do this lovingly, or not.  We can find ourselves head-on confronted with the possibility to love of enemies.

My enemy suffers from real life issues and we take that into consideration.  Her attempt to destroy my life has not worked and my new-found courage to confront her makes her angry.  I will no longer allow her to step into my boundary that I have firmly placed around me and my family.  Her carelessness will be a downfall in the not too distant future.

Copyright © 2019 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

The Fixation

Fixation is an obsessive interest in or feeling about someone or something.  We experience fixation every day by our cyber bully.  She is fixated on my life and me. 

When bullying occurs, people often place the blame on the victim.  Most of the time they falsely believe that if the victim of bullying were somehow different, then bullying wouldn't happen. Bullying is never the target's fault.  They do not need to change or be different in some way to avoid being bullies.  Change is always the bully's responsibility.

It can be true that there are some things that can help deter bullying like developing social skills and building self-esteem.  There is the harsh truth that anyone can become a victim of bullying.  There are a number of reasons why bullies target others. and I realize at this moment, none of the reason's are the victim's fault.  Our cyber publicly engages victim blaming and asserts that the victim is bullying her in some way.  Her pathology is humorous.

My woman cyber bully declares to the world that I deserve to be bullied even though she began this battle many years ago.  She has trouble empathizing with what I have experienced from her and declares her negative and annoying personality traits very well.  It is in her mindset to condone bullying and she has every reason to validate her bad behavior.

Many times people will point out what is wrong with the victim rather than recognizing that the real issue lies with the bully and her choices.  It took a court case and a judge to direct our bully that her choices were not good and she needed to take accountability for the hurt that she caused.  It was important for me to begin learning life skills that are important like resilience, perseverance, and assertiveness.  Our bully should have responsibility for her actions and abide by the court orders set in place.  She feels that she is above the authority of the law of the land.

Many people will blame the victim of physical bullying for the pain and suffering he endures because he may have done nothing to defend himself.  This type of thinking excuses the Bully's behavior.  Unfortunately, the same can happen if the victim defends himself.  I understand this dilemma because for years I did nothing to defend myself against my bully.  Only recently, I have taken a stand.  Of course, it has been met with opposition but did I think I would have anything less?   I am grateful to my bully for building in me courage, strength, and resilience against her nauseating attacks and feeble attempts to embarrass me!  The world is aware of my mistakes but it is all that she has to use against me and even still, it has no more use.  The court ruled against her and my support system found the truth about her.  She can do no more damage with exception of the death threats.  I have taken precautions and left instructions about who to question should something traumatic happen to me.

Mental illness no longer validates bad behavior.  There is no excuse for her teases and taunts.  I am not the one with the defect yet there is no minimizing what my experience has been and we are sure, will continue to be.  Take every precaution, keep log books, and records of the abuse.  In the long run, it will assistance in justice.

Copyright © 2019 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

Friday Blessings

I work in a school that is in session Monday through Thursday so I have Fridays to do as I wish.  Since the weather people stated that it would be a sunny, warm day, I was up early working in our yard.  The grass is beginning to get tall.  Before Winter of last year, we had the entire (1 acre) yard thatched and fertilized.  It has done its work.  Our yard will be beautiful!  I raked up old leaves and dead branches, tilled two flower beds, tilled an area where our peppers, onions, and tomatoes are being planted and stacked more firewood from a tree that had to be taken down.  I had all of this accomplished by the afternoon and made supper for my family.

Each of us have a defined purpose.  We learn to develop and use our talents, resources, abilities and passions to held us decide what our purpose is.  We may stray a bit and make mistakes along the way but it is our journey alone.  When a mean person injects themselves in our journey, it can be frustrating!  As I read a public post written by our cyber bully, I laughed and laughed and laughed again.  Obviously, she has strayed from her journey in finding her purpose because she is too busy criticizing someone else's.

I found out this evening that my children are coming to a birthday party for me.  My ex-husband is even attending!  I have a son in the Air Force that has returned to the states for technical training near us and I am elated! I am blessed to have such a thoughtful family who cares and loves me and children who are excited to be with their mother.

With family and a purposeful life, our journey begins to make sense.  I have had real peace of mind, joy, fulfillment, and the power to succeed.  Using my assets to fulfill my destiny is the salvation to the soul, my family, my community, and to my nation.  I am grateful in hard work and perseverance to make my corner of the world comfortable, clean, and secure for those I love and care for.  These are incredible blessings to enjoy.  

Copyright © 2019 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

Pride Goeth Before The Fall

It is natural for people to seek validation.  How we achieve that sense of validation differs from one person to another.  We all constantly battle with the feeling that we are not good enough and we may feel unappreciated.  I believe the feeling of insecurity that accompanies such state of mind is almost universal and may happen more when one is young.  Some people attempt to rectify that feeling of insecurity by being vocal about their accomplishments.

There is something magical about human communications.  We can vocalize our thoughts and make them tangible and part of the collective memory.  We "brag" about ourselves because we subconsciously seek to create a certain image of ourselves in the mind of the audience which aligns with our own sense of self worth.  For many of us, our accomplishments have no value unless it seems to impress our peers.  It is just an attempt to be sure to make ourselves relevant and indispensable.  This is a  basic human need.

People who think they are best (like my woman bully), live in their own delusional world and can see no one else's achievements.  She thinks that people love listening to their own agendas or they she want's to make me jealous of her and this makes her feel more confident. She will learn her lesson when she fails to undermine my achievements.  We live in two different worlds, living different kinds of lives, and working on goals that are not similar.  I work in the private sector; she chooses not work at all.  I attend college and she chooses not to.  I choose to live within my community and keep a beautiful yard and property and she chooses not to.  I choose to care for my husband for 20+ years and she chose to divorce hers and pine away for another man that will not have her.  What is there to "brag" about?  We are living in our chosen worlds and away from each other.  She is far too much of a coward to find truth in my life.

We understand her pathological need to hide her flaws in particular areas and bragging about her strengths.  She is extremely insecure in the fact that she cannot accept her own weaknesses, admit her shortcomings, resort to kindness and compassion, and understand that I work hard in my life to become more accomplished and compassionate than I was yesterday.  I understand that she needs emotional assistance.  She should try and just accept what is and move on.

I have to giggle that she thinks I am still consumed with the one man that she covets.  After I learned about who and what this man was all about and that he had been intimate with several women while intimate with her, why in the world would any woman want a man like that?  If he cheated on his wife, his mistress, and his gal friends, he could never be trusted.  My ADULT woman bully has turned this feud into a high school quarrel.  I learned my lesson with this man and his drunken lies.

My husband is the truest man that I know and despite my mistakes and shortcomings, he stands by me, defends, and most of all, loves me.  This is the greatest attribute of all. This is how our lives should begin and end.  My WOMAN ADULT bully wants my mistakes and shortcomings to define me forever.  This does not happen when a person works hard to make restitution and have a track record of moving past the mistakes.  Pride is often driven by poor self-worth and shame.  Our bully feels so badly about herself that she compensates by feeling superior and exerting control over others.  She looks for the flaws than for the good in a person in order to conceal her own.  She relishes criticizing others as a defense against recognizing her own shortcomings.  We understand her plight and pray for her daily.

This is how we begin and end our day.  We relish the tender moments and are grateful for the blessings of our own accomplishments.  We pray for our family, friends, and enemies alike. When pride substitutes for our human dignity, it disconnects us. Affirming our dignity and allowing others their dignity, we become more available to honor ourselves and connect with others as equals. Pride is a burden we don’t need. Living with dignity allows us to move more freely through life.

Copyright © 2019 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.