Fight or Flight

I have a class that has been very interesting! It talks about how our brain handles stress, chaos, and catastrophe. Psychologist John Leach, a specialist in human responses to emergency situations, developed his “10/80/10 rule of survival” after examining a variety of crises and human reactions to them. According to Leach, 10 percent of people facing an emergency control their fears and act rationally. 80 percent find themselves stunned and relatively unprepared to respond. The last 10 percent, Leach concluded, become hysterical, unable to cope with the situation at hand. To ensure I land in that top 10 percent, I should first understand the physiological processes your brain and body undergo during an emergency.

1. The sympathetic nervous system, which stimulates the fight-flight-or-freeze response, takes control of the body. As a result, three key hormones are released into the bloodstream: adrenaline, norepinephrine, and cortisol.

2. Adrenaline and norepinephrine prepare the body for battle. I receive a high-octane energy boost from increased glucose production and release. But this increase in glucose production burns valuable resources in the body.

3. My heart rate increases, and the lungs expand to take in more oxygen (a process known as bronchial dilation). Pupils dilate, narrowing your vision. 4. Blood is channeled away from the digestive system and the skin toward the major skeletal muscles for quick action and strength.

5. Cortisol is released more slowly than adrenaline and norepinephrine, and it helps sustain the fight-or-flight response over an extended period of time. The digestive and immune responses are slowed in anticipation of a fight.

6. Over time, the engaged sympathetic nervous system depletes the body’s energy reserves of glycogen and fat stores. If it goes on too long, I can experience a crash that leaves me feeling cold and tired. The more primitive portion of the brain, the limbic system, takes control from the more developed frontal lobe. Thoughts become less logical and more visceral. This can lead to impulsive and irrational behavior.

7. Over time, when panic subsides, frontal lobe activity increases and rational thought returns. How do I survive such events; in order to survive, I have had to develop the ability to prioritize and maintain focus on hand. I spend a few moments assessing the situation (last night it was my husband's extremely high blood pressure and his refusal to go to the emergency room). I had to resist the temptation to fly into a fit of anger (which happens with our situation at the moment). I resisted the temptation to act hastily. I broke down the situation by assessing that he needed his pain medication, his muscle relaxer, to be back on his oxygen, and he needs to drink more water. We performed each task one by one to help maintain focus. (Utilizing my frontal lobe). I utilized my "tools" of education and critical thinking to calm myself and place myself in my husband's situation. This morning, his blood pressure was almost to normal range. Anger is a common emotion for caregivers. I have learned survival and coping skills to work through it.

There are other situations that have caused disruption and/or "fight or flight" issues in my life. I had a woman stalker some years ago. Her damaging methods through in person or via the internet wreaked havoc with my life. My husband and I went to court and won a judgment against her even though she has never paid a dime but accused me of not paying our own personal responsibilities. What I have to rationalize is her persistence of stating her love of God and His teachings all over the internet, yet in real life, she is completely the opposite. Mean-spirited, foul language cheats the government with her so-called breeding of dogs' program, and within her business dealings. She doesn't report the income to the government, lives off government disability, food stamps, and medical assistance. She asks for monies because she cannot take care of her home domain and other responsibilities. She treated a dying husband (whom she divorced during our court proceedings, with anger, lies, and contempt. She treated him so badly that he (and his family) made her leave. To add to it all, she sued his estate for monies she thought HE OWED her. Gratefully, I was able to assist in his family's defense. Gratefully, I survived her chaos, hate, and despair. Prayerfully, I asked for assistance from my God who has seen me through the worst of the worst. Prayerfully, I have stayed through the chronic/ending illness of my husband; good, bad, and the worst of it. I stayed the road where she could not. And I do not profess to my God my diligence without obedience.

If you would like to know more about internet bullying and survival skills, I would be happy to relate my experience and resolution with you. I am grateful for the TRUE and TRUER people in life that have encouraged my successes and still loved me through my failures. They are my tribe! And I am even more grateful to my college professors who are my mentors and heroes!

 

Journal Post Day 3

 

It could have been a difficult day filled with end of month and year end reports.  At first glance of my desk and surrounding, my mind wanted to shut down.  In my quest to work on peacefulness in my life, I decided to stack all of it in a pile on my credenza.  No particular order and definitely not a neat stack!

I would walk over to the pile and picked off the top paper.  I walked back to my desk and concentrated on the simple desk, the only task on my desk.  It became my priority from start to finish.  When finished, I took the copies I needed to and filed it appropriately.  On to the next ...

How comforting it was to get more than halfway through the pile before the end of the day.  When I thought back, I felt a sense of accomplishment.  I didn't complete the entire pile; but there was peace in prioritizing one paper, one project at a time.

Inner peace is so important.  It improves our ability to focus our mind.  In today's world, there are many distractions that causes us anxiety and worry.  This is not productive, and it causes us to lose focus on ourselves and others.  Inner peace teaches us the proper coping methods so that we can turn our anxiety and worry into action steps while maintaining the focus of our mind on what is truly important in our lives.

I have enough anxiety; a husband looking at major surgery in a few days; the snow impedes taking care of livestock, taxes, employment, moving, and a legal brief to write.  Christmas items to finish putting away, new college classes to start, trying to keep up with my 40-day exercise goals.   Inner peace assists us in showing patience and tolerance.  There seems to be a lack of tolerance in most people these days and it takes great patience to be tolerant without the need of anger reactions.  I have learned that inner peace teaches me that through patience, we can better understand the situation we are in and better grasp and formulate solutions to the issues.

This is how I accomplished what I did today.  One paper at a time; processed and filed properly in its place.  W-2s were completed and mailed.  I worked on a bid, put the information out to find a new printer for our office, and enjoyed the lunch that my sweet boss brought me.  When I locked up the office to leave, I was filled with a wonderful sense of peace and wonderment of all of the snow around us.  

A fun visit with my Appaloosa colt baby made the day even better! 

 

Why A Stalker

Being stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go. 

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know and often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help. I have learned that misery loves company and abusers are attracted to other abusers.  In this, I take peace.  It is not my issues but theirs.

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.  My stalker made the internet her army.  She defies authority and hides behind a new name.  This is the coward trait of a stalker.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.  What about a person who continually contacts a person's employment in order to harassment and cause possible judgment and severance.  In my case, my husband and I have contacted a employment attorney and with his assistance, I will present those to the public that have done such and ask for relief from the courts. 

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. Even family members can profess love and yet stalk and maim from the background.  For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior. It can even be a family member.

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

• Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you. 
• Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
• Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
• Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order. I was granted a permanent injunction against my stalker but it hasn't stopped her so more criminal action is being sought.

References:

Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims

1. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
2. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
3. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Resilience

With the assistance of my incredible husband, I have converted our basement area into a painting studio.  I used to oil, acrylic, and water paint when I was younger.  I have joined a painting class and it has provided for great opportunity in relaxation and definition. 

In material science, resilience is the ability of a material to absorb energy when it is deformed elastically, and release that energy upon unloading. Proof resilience is defined as the maximum energy that can be absorbed up to the elastic limit, without creating a permanent distortion. The modulus of resilience is defined as the maximum energy that can be absorbed per unit volume without creating a permanent distortion.  

The past two weeks have proved interesting.  Due to the corona virus and certain cowards/bullies within the realms of my life, I was dismissed by my employment.  I have found it to be a blessing as within the week I acquired another employment with incredible persons (one with great disdain for a family member who caused drama in his life) and even more monies. You see, resilience tends to be my middle name and much to the demise of my enemies.  

When I paint a canvas, I see the finished product in my mind.  My life is like the white canvas on the easel.  The colors that I use are of my choosing.  It is the start of my life and the white space is open for new experiences and opportunities in its goal of creating a masterpeice.  It is empty to fill with all of the upcoming creations of my journey.  As we add color on the canvas, in all different colors and directions, we add even the smallest of our life experiences.  We can even overlap old and create new.  

This is an unique kind of beauty.  If someone leaves my life due to any circumstance and just because I don't see them or talk to them anymore doesn't mean that they are not in my masterpiece.  Of course, a part of my painting may not be completely visible but it is still there.  I can see the colors, the individuals and the experiences that have occurred since the beginning of my white canvas.  All of the intertwined into my life experience.  My life gives me time and space to fill my masterpiece with the colors of my choice to create the masterpiece that is my life. 

Resilience is the beautiful color that runs through my painting.  There are legal avenues to handle the wrongs and it is sad that the dark lines of gossip and drama are not brought to me in person to resolve.  The dark lines are covered by subtle and calming colors to show my love and resilience.  These colors are at the forefront of my masterpiece.  Experiences and individuals confront us and they can test us.  It can be clean or it can be messy.  I am the artist that gets to decide what colors portrayed on my canvas and everyday a new color is added.  A new line, a new mark, and a new part of my life.  The beautiful colors are my choice.

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www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Lessons .. Lessons Learned

What a beautiful morning!  The sun was just coming up as my puppies and I walked our long canal that winds around out home.  Made lunches for my husband and I for work and out the door!  How are you handling our crisis in the world today? Thankfully we are the few blessed souls that still actually goin into a job.

An individual secret is a secret kept by one person from the rest of the family and includes things like hiding a romantic relationship.  It could be a spouse's extramarital affair or a family member maxing our credit cards.  Individual secrets tend to center on a member hiding a rule violation.  Individuals bide these violations to avoid consequences and possibly protect others from the pain of the secret and the fact of the violation.  

Individual secrets can lead to immense anxiety within the family,  The secret holder may feel anxious about being found out and the rest of the family can feel that something is not right.  They live in fear of being found out.

I have to laugh at this because texts between my sister-in-law and my ex-husband, flirtatious texts, were given to me.  I feel bad for my brother; I wonder if he knows?  Texts between an abusive man; one who physically and emotionally hurt me, horribly hurt my daughter and son, drove off with my infant son while drunk in a pickup (can you imagine the frantic of a mother).  I am not the only one; two other women from his past who I am friends with can give the same experiences with this man.  In one of my classes, I learned that abusers seek out abusers.  I also learned that a percentage of abused become abusers.  This cycle is becoming very aware to me as I have experienced abusers.  I would think that my sister-in-law would be more aware of her actions.  Of course, she is the "perfect" member of the family.  One point, perfection can come with a fall.  Unfortuantely, she is in a position of power in her employment and employment statements have been made to my ex-husband which are abuse of her power and noted.  Employment attorneys love such!

As a woman (and yes, I have made mistakes which will be addressed later), we have to be careful of how we are perceived.  If married, no matter how difficult, we cannot have such individual secrets.  Family loyalty is to be followed no matter now hard and how angered one must be.  Only a coward does the damage without the loving confrontation to clear the air and reconcile.  

How do you feel about family secrets?  Has a family secret devastated how you feel about family loyalty?  Write me and let me know how you feel.

#candaleeparker #candaleewhittleparker #familyloyaltyisimportant

Copyright © 2020 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

Stupid .. Not Me!

Families often keep under wraps the dirty secrets.  The persona of the perfect family in pictures and in public attempt to overshadow what really is going on behind the scenes.  What happens when secrets are revealed can cause hurt, confusion and betrayal.  How do we navigate the emotional territory between openness and privacy, closeness and individuality? 

These past months have given me an opportunity to explore the family secrets.  I have learned that a sister-in-law has felt enlightened to share (what she believes) be the dirty secrets of my life.  Most aren't even true; some are but did not need to be revealed.  What if her most intimate secrets were shared?  What if her children were embarrassed by what they learn and now public.  Do my brothers know what is being passed around and if they do, they are accessories to cowardness and the bullying frenzy!  

My children know everything because keeping secrets from children should be carefully thought through.  Children are extremely perceptive and may become alarmed or anxious if they sense something of a serious nature is being hidden from them.  The most damaging scenario would be if one or more children firmly believe that they are somehow personally responsible for whatever undercurrent is going on in the home.

Keeping family secrets can cause suspicion and resentment. It can cause a false sense of reality, especially among children.  When eventually told the truth, either by a parent, or even worse by someone outside of the family, 

When eventually told the truth, either by a parent, or even worse by someone outside, there world might be shattered.  I know that I have felt this emotion more than once.  The secrets impact on children can be profound, regardless of their age.  Parents who habitually keep secrets from their children should keep in mind the possibility that such behavior could very well be repeated in future generations.

Comment back to me on your feelings of family secrets?  How have they affected you?
 

Copyright © 2020 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleeparker.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

New Day!

I love watching the sunrise.  Our world is covered in snow and the sun’s rays glitter across the beautiful fields and colors our surroundings.  It warms my heart and brightens my day!

This past week has been a week of realization and courage.  I have had to downplay my thoughts that this is not a world of second changes.  Whatever mistakes that one makes far reach more than the successes.   The mistakes travel far and reaching like a snowball gaining speed on a downhill travel.  Facts are exaggerated, revenge is stated, and the stories become as large as the snowball gaining speed on its downward spiral.

Why are there people who wish to squelch one’s desire to move ahead, improve emotionally and intellectually?   Jealously, revenge, self-betrayal?   I was taunted to move ahead in my career and I did.  Yet, a coward decided to contact my new employment and degrade me to my superiors.   Of course, anonymous is a the mark of a coward.  It does not allow one to confront the accuser.  Because of past experience with a stalker and a bully, police reports were completed, and the person who wanted to show power and manipulation will be prosecuted through the legal system.  My boundaries were violated and I will no longer be a mere object of someone’s jealous zeal.  One aspect of a fast moving snowball is that eventually its speed carries them into a hard stop and it shatters far and wide.  So happens to a narcissists who wishes to do harm to another.

Human beings are social creatures and need social interaction, positive feedback, and validation of their worth.  Most are happy with the attention they receive through the normal activities of work, school, and play.  There are those persons who need additional attention and they get it by behaving inappropriately.  It could be due to lowered self-esteem, a lack of self-confidence, low levels of self-love or feeling insecure.  Some may seek positive attention by creating situations in which they hope to be praised, thanked or admired.  Some seek out attention by always having something to complain about or by being sick in order to gain attention.  It could be a sign of exhaustion or a reaction to pressure and stress.  If the behavior is persistent more than normal, it can be a sign of an underlying mental health issues.

There is an article by Billi Gordon, PhD, in Psychology Today, that asserts that, “Excessive attention seeking is not a character flaw.  It is a brain wiring response to early developmental trauma caused by neglect”.  The article does on to describe attention-seeking in terms of brain function with the conclusion that it cannot be fixed but it can be managed.

Attention-seeking behavior inevitably involved other people.  Collusion is a great word.  Collusion is the secret or illegal cooperation or conspiracy, especially in order to cheat or deceive others.  Misery loves company and a coward needs an army to continue in a war of deceit, manipulation, temper tantrum, tattle telling, and “poor me” melodramas of attention seeking behavior also amounts to bullying.

Be the better person taking the higher road of encouragement and compassion.  Dig two graves should one want the lower road of anger and revenge.  Live your own life and make it one of successes to be reported not a reputation of being a bully, a stalker, or worse, a coward.  Because eventually bad acts are revealed and truth prevails.

Copyright © 2020 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

www.candaleewhittleparker.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.