Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Getting Past The Adult Bully

  
 It can be difficult to get past your adult bully.  Continual reminders can be everywhere along with the bully who continues in the battle.  This week we looked through pages of final draft as we move forward in the legal process once again.  Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself everywhere in online social media, texting video, email, and on-line discussions.  Identity theft is prevalent in our case and will be easy to showcase in court.  Anna Maria Chavez wrote, "Cyber bullies do not need physical access to their victims to do unimaginable harm".

Bullies are common in their physical, mental, and/or emotional abuse.  Unless we set strong and effective boundaries, the bully will continue and intensify the abuse.  Getting past the adult bully can take time and great effort.

Someone who hates you normally hates your for one of three reasons; they see you as a threat (she wanted a man that, at the time, she could not have and still cannot have), they hate themselves (no words to describe this situation; we understand her dilemma), or they want to be you (I have made mistakes but I succeed each time I work hard and use positive forward movement away from the situation).  She can only attack me if she perceives me as weak.  If I remain compliant and passive, she will continue her attack.  We used the legal system to make our situation known.  She is a coward as most bullies are.  She teased and taunted that she would never be taken to court; we did.  She owes us monies in court-ordered judgments and ordered to take down negative content off of the internet.  To date, none of that has happened.  She lied about her personal assets and her relationship with her husband who she is now divorced from.  She lies about where she lives with the court.  All of the things that she accused me of.  

When victims begin to show backbone and stand up for their rights, a bully will often back down.  This is true in schoolyards as well as in domestic and office environments.  Shay Mitchell wrote, "I realized that bullying never has to do with you,  It's the bully who's insecure".

When confronting bullies, be sure to place yourself in a position you can safely protect yourself, whether it is standing tall on our own, having other people present as witnesses and support (which I do), or keeping a paper trail of the bully's appropriate behavior.  Our bully decided to sent MY words and writings to my counselor which we laughed about because NONE of her comments or writings were included.  Always one-side in the battle and cowardly in presentation.  It is important to stand up to bullies and you don't have to do it alone.  There are counselors, law enforcement, administrative professionals, and court authorities who are there to assist.

I have survived my bullying experience.  This doesn't mean that it has gone away.  The smoldering battle still continues.  Threats of physical harm, threats of emotional harm, innuendoes, emails, and constant underlying harassment continues and it is okay.   Anger will continue to consume her and living in the past is not a pleasant way to live because ..

I ride the dark horse ..









Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker, IRideTheDarkHorse.com
www.candaleewhittleparker.com
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

The Adult Female Bully

I was reading an interesting article about female children who turned into adult women and continued to bully.  What happens as female bullies get older is that they become more sophisticated and they begin terrorizing one or others.  We found this to be particularly true as we found out the childhood horror stories of our adult woman bully.   If not in control of a situation, they can become outraged and violent.  We have experienced such rants and I am sure we will continue to do so. 

As adults, we have full control over how we live our lives and the people we allow in our lives.  I have discovered that our woman bully is projecting her own insecurities on me.  For example, she told the public that she owns 8 homes in three states.  Yet, she cried to our attorney that she owns nothing.  In her divorce, she signed over an old mobile home attached to her former husband's home.  She claims to be self-employed and yet is to hold a job in the private sector but she so wanted me fired from my employment.  Documentation of her ferocious acts are now public record and to date we have seen no monies paid on the judgment awarded to us.   I have discovered that when she bullies, she elevates her own feelings by diminishing those of mine, gossiping, discounting, trying to cause others to reject me, and demean.

Life is too short to spend with people who treat you unjustly.  As an adult, you must take responsibility for the energy you bring into your life and into the lives of those around you.  It is our responsibility to do so because ..

I ride the dark horse ..



 Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker, IRideTheDarkHorse.com
www.candaleewhittleparker.com
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.







Monday, June 25, 2018

Be Life Changing ..


The story of what has happened in my past does not change.  But the power I give to it has changed.   I have stopped justifying the anger because life is much happier with resentment and the time spent in trying to remember the details.  Unfortunately, sometimes events from the past have a mind of their own.  Maybe there are people who make it difficult for your to forget your past and move on.  Memories keep recirculating when all you want is for them to disappear!  It is not easy to take responsibility for your own happiness but when you do, what is revealed is happiness and peace.

When you think about it, the past isn't really about the past.  Memories of events are thoughts that are occurring in the now, the present.  Anger or hurt about the past happens now.  It is how you present the moment experience that keeps the past alive. What is amazing about this understanding is that the way out of suffering is your attitude about the present.  Healing from the past means that we put all of our attention into the present.

A memory is a thought and think about it, does it really have a power over us?  We have many happy memories that make us happy and we have memories that may make us sad.  Thinking about my son that passed away can make me sad and happy at the same time.  Some memories can have an emotional reaction that can stay stuck.  These are the memories to be careful of because they can make you think of them over and over and over.  If you want to be free of the past, lose interest in those emotional memories.  It does not serve to repeat them and thinking that they are justified.  Try and replace with the happy memories that can make the present wonderful and at peace because ..

I ride the dark horse ..



Sunday, June 24, 2018

What Your Adult Bully Doesn't Want You To Know About You (Part 2)


We have been discussing how it is not easy to be a bully.  As the last weeks have progressed and we have experienced more and more of the hostility of a bully, we have found that a bully doesn't want to be bullied.  Often they bully so they won't be bullied and choosing what seems to be the weakest.   Of course, the fear of a bully is meeting her match.  For many months, I was told to ignore this particular bully but she was insistent.  What if the person she picks on decides to fight back or make her look bad?  This is why she often has an entourage; a support group to encourage and be miserable with.  I had to laugh just today at the comments made.  When my blogs are read, and maybe the truth hurts, retaliation with innuendos and falsehoods are generated.  I have a friend that is dealing with her bully so my blogs are about adult bullies in general no one in particular.  

One interesting aspect of an adult bully is that they are actually being bullied themselves somewhere in their own worlds.  Maybe a parent, a sibling, a child, or other people they interact with on a regular basis.  I love that my negative information is first and foremost because it shows the personality of the adult bully and her obvious signs of causing me distress.  The claim of being a moral and good person is washed down the drain with the courts orders of obvious violation are of her own doing.  You cannot point fingers without the expectation of fingers being pointed back if you are committing the same crimes.  The same is happening with my good friend.  How sad the past sins out shadow the good that she has done all of these years.

Bullies are afraid of a lot of things.  They are afraid of being deserted by their peers.  They are afraid that persons will learn that they are not perfect, they are not as strong as they act, and that I will find out about it.  You can't steal from an elderly man, lie about it, and then point out the sins of another person, and hope that they do not find out about it.  Obviously, bullies deal with personal issues that are painful.  This does not given them reason to behave the way that they do.   Our bully needs our prayers and understanding.  It may be a hard thing to do, but as my friend said, "it gives us peace and strength".  How true is this?!

My adult bully mentioned that she is HAPPY and that it puts a SMILE on her face that my sins are exposed to the world.  WOW, this gives great understanding to how her mind works and how she must view the world.   What would you think about this?  I know how I feel because ..

I ride the dark horse ..



Thursday, June 14, 2018

What Your Bully Doesn't Want You To Know About YOU ..


You may not have heard alot about Adult Bullying, but it is becoming a serious problem.  If you have kept up with my blogs, you have read some of my experiences with my woman adult bully.  Yes, an adult, and should know better.  One thing to remember is that as people mature and progress through life, they learn to stop such behaviors in their youth.  Sadly, some adult bullies are just children bullies who have grown up.  While adults are more likely to use verbal bullying as opposed to physical bullying, it is still adult bullying just the same!

Our Adult Bully has been a blessing to us!  It is surprising what makes her "tick".  And I have learned a few secrets about her that have helped us understand her sadness and loneliness.  Other emotional issues are involved but it should never be an absolute excuse for cruelty and bad behavior towards others.  It is like keeping your dog on a chain and enticing it to freedom!

Remember, it is not easy being a bully!  This is so true!  Just imagine the minutes, hours, weeks, and years to maintain the status as a bully.  For more than 6 years, she has had to continue in her ambition of being a bully.  It has to be a full-time job which makes sense because she cannot work in the private sector or refuses to do so.  

An adult bully is desperately unhappy!  Anyone who is truly happy would never have the desire to hurt others.  Only unhappy people take their frustrations on other people.  Only unhappy people are mean, they are miserable, and they want others to feel the same way.

An adult bully is insecure!  There is a myth that bullies have superior attitude.  It goes deeper; they are feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.  Bullies need to pick on others to deflect their own feelings of inadequacy and weakness.

An adult bully is envious of their victim!  There is something that a bully wants.  For my bully, it was another man.  One that deceived and degraded her but lied about doing such things.  He cheated on his wife with others and the bully as well but she never once called him publicly on his mistakes.  It was all about me!  Of course, even married to another man, she claims to have on ongoing relationship with him which makes her, what!!  The same type of person he is but maybe that is why they were attracted in the first place.  It could be that the victim is prettier, smarter, or the bully's crush likes the victim!  Ha!  Maybe the victim is just more confident in her own skin and it is something that the bully wishes to be.  The bully is jealous of such confidence and wants to destroy it or cause humiliation of the victim among the masses.  In the end, the bully becomes the one pained and destroyed as she is found out among the lies and cruelty.

An adult bully is not strong!  Most bullies surround themselves with others because strength is needed in numbers.  If those persons desert the bully, she will lose her strength.  She needs an army to hide behind and do her dirty work for her.  Isn't that the meaning of coward  because ..


I ride the dark horse .. 




Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker.com
IRideTheDarkHorse.com
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.






Sunday, June 10, 2018

Taking Precautions ..


There is a story that goes .. A man saw a snake being burned to death and decided to take it out of the fire. When he did, the snake bit him causing excruciating pain. The man dropped the snake, and the reptile fell right back into the fire. So, the man grabbed a metal pole took the snake out of the fire and saved its life. Someone who was watching approached the man and said:

“That snake bit you. Why are you still trying to save it?”

The man replied,
“The nature of the snake is to bite, but that's not gonna change my nature, which is to help.”
Moral of the Story:  Do not change your nature simply because someone harms you. Do not lose your good heart, only learn to take precautions.
When it comes to being bullied, the same kind of care is applied.  I have survived the worst of the worst; our bully called and wrote our employment, wrote our family members, publicly humiliated via the internet, built website after website, and taunted and teased that we would never take legal action.  Her stories became exaggerated and cruel.  We have been and still are bitten many times and yet we persevere.  Yet, we carry on .. And we are better for the adventure.
Yes, we call it an adventure because it has become a good experience.  With each new telephone call, with each new email, we are assisting others working through the same experiences.  
What causes a person to be intentionally cruel?  Is it carelessness?  A genetic predisposition involving a lack of empathy?  A lack of proper nurturing? A culturally indoctrinated tendency?  In my search for answers to the toughest of philosophical questions, I find myself enlightened in unusual ways and often by the most unexpected people; one being a close family member of our bully who shared that we are not the only persons that she has been fixated on ruin. 
If a child is born into an abusive life and learns nothing but abuse, pain, fear, and intimidation, they will be conditioned to think that this type of feeling is normal.  They could feel an even deeper conditioning based on the biological and social need to connect with others to share what they have experienced.  If the connection is created in a chaotic mind, it will present itself in a chaotic or harmful way.  This is why the research is key in understanding the mind of our woman bully.  
Our choice is not retaliation but to keep the perspective of love in our hearts.  This can be difficult at times but we have found it to be rewarding.  After all, "It's better to light one candle than to curse the darkness".  And I know this because ..
I ride the dark horse ..


Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker.com
IRideTheDarkHorse.com
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.



Friday, June 8, 2018

Defining Love ..


The past few days have been crazy days.  My poor husband has been up and down and down again in his health.  Between an ER and doctor visit, it has been busy.  These are the type of days that can be discouraging.  Whether it is a negative coworker, an exhausting friendship, or a challenging family member, there are times when we just want to give up on people and feel as though all of our love and patience has run out.  My husband did not fall into this category of discouragement and despair, but there were a few others that did.  There is that obstacle of loving people who are hard to love.  I believe in these circumstances we need to be reminded of the truth, of the reality that we have access to a love that is always giving, selfless, real, and true.

Our ability to love is a heart issue.  We have to realize that there are times that we may have the completely wrong definition of love.  To have true love is action, it takes courage and vulnerability.  It is a giving rather than a taking.  Being a caretaker is a great example of this.  Most days, all of my strength and effort goes into taking care of my husband.  Sometimes it can be a bit much as I have responsibilities of employment, home, and surroundings.  Summer is busy with gardens and fields and animals.  There are days that sleep is an after thought.  And yet, I would not trade my world for any other.  We have to be careful that we are not loving out of our own strength because it ends in selfishness and bitterness because we are trying to get something out of giving love and if we don't get anything in return, we are resentful.

What makes a person hard to love?  Is it the way that they treat you or others around you?  Is it the way that they conduct their business or work?  Is it that their words cut so deep or the way that they gossip about people you love?  Sometimes the way we see others is not out of love and so it is difficult to love them.  Sometimes we do not understand why people are the way they are and play the victim instead of trying to know them better in a deeper way, understanding challenges they have faced and what they have gone through enough to make them act in the ways that they do.  Everybody is responsible for their own actions and choices but we have the ability to be patient with others and realize with some people are left with scars in their lives that affect them on a day-to-day basis.

If you try to love people out of your feelings for them, it will result in inconsistency because feelings change and people do things that frustrate and offend us.  When we have the mindset that giving is far better than receiving, we will love selflessly and well because ..

I ride the dark horse ..


Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker.com
IRideTheDarkHorse.com
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.