Setting the Story Straight

 

I had a relative of my stalker who sent me a public post written by her. I know she is referring to me and I am not embarassed in the slightest. I have developed great courage, perseverence, and faith in her actions and how I do not want to be. I am taking care of a disabled husband and work hard to care for him and our properties. I love that she inspires me to be a better person today than yesterday. Her hatefulness, her mental illness (proclaimed by her), and her fake persona is easily seen through and through.

"If you run up a bill with an attorney, and then file bankruptcy against the attorney!!!! So you don’t have to pay him/her!!!! Is he/she still your attorney? Asking for a “sister in Christ”.

Let's set the story straight; how I pay my bills is my business. She has no idea what happened to us during the time my husband was in hospice because she did not make an attempt to care for her dying husband. She did not work two and three jobs to care for him because she was too busy receiving aid from the government.

The attorney bill that she is writing about is HER'S, THE STALKER, to pay. She is court-mandated to pay the attorney bills that she is referring to as well as a judgment amount to me. NOTHING HAS BEEN PAID; attorney or me! Over $42K.

She does not know what we have paid the attorney and she claims to be a Christian who pays all of her bills; yet receives government assistance and food stamps; and tax evasion. She hids under the umbrella of a business so we cannot collect on the judgment (there are ways around this).

She could not care for her husband; she divorced him; attempted to take his assets from his family; can barely care for herself; all while having an affair with another man.

She is a coward and a fake because she cannot and will not write truth. I dare her to write that she owes our attorney and us in settlement monies for her bad behavior and personal destruction. We know her reputation and what she does to all persons besides us including memebers of her own family.

Your Sister in Christ! After all, it is Christ who does know the truth!

  My husband and I watched a limited series this weekend entitled, Little Fires Everywhere. Peace and harmony may be the goal for most families, but dysfunction is common and insidious and arrives in many forms. Family quarrels, grudges, and estrangements can have lasting effects, sometimes following members into old age. When one family member contends with a problem such as mental illness or alcohol, the entire household is impacted. In a dysfunctional home, there is normally no sense of unity or empathy or boundaries, and members can be highly critical of one another. This is what happened in this series when the mother decided what was correct for all members of her family and not acknowledging that each person within the family unit is individual in thought, action, and deed.
I realize after years and years of rationalization, my mother did not love me, let alone like me. My brothers did no wrong and received her love and devotion. The reason why some mothers hate their daughters is their dissatisfaction with their own lives.

Mothers are also the women who lived in an unequal society and were forced to do things that they never wanted to. Some mothers were forced to quit their studies and get married early. As I understand the history of my mother, it has assisted in my own healing. I see brothers who married the same dynamic as my mother; gossip, lying, living for appearance, adultery, and an exaggerated state of "perfection". The brothers allow the bad behavior because of fear of having a collapsed family like the one we grew up in. Of course, they would never defend me from the wrath of their wives and for me, that is a show of character no better than the family dynamic I grew up in.

But the important question that arises here is that is it right to blame the daughters? Is it right for the mothers to reinstate the patriarchal norms in their daughters’ life? Is it the daughter who should bear the guilt of her mother’s oppression, or the patriarchal institution? Yes, it was unfair that a mother was forced to change her choices and live a life that doesn’t value her self-respect and happiness. But it is equally unfair that the daughter is being punished for the wrong that she never did. She was not even there when her mother had undergone all the tribulations because of her gender. And now when it is the daughter’s turn to fight the gender stereotypes, she is conflicted and bewildered because her mother embodies the biggest barrier in her life. If a daughter cannot expect love, support, and encouragement from her mother, will she be confident enough to step out in the world? If a daughter is oppressed, controlled, and hated by her mother, will she be able to expect equality and respect from others? Where should she even start or end her fight when patriarchy thrives at home itself?

I may not be the "perfect religious" being, I may rebel, I might stand up for the underdog, I work hard, I love hard, I love my children as the individuals they are, and I do not pretend to be "perfect" because I am not. But what I am is an important part and a dignified member of my family, even if they do not wish me to be a part of the family. So dear mothers, please don’t resent your daughters. It is right to be dissatisfied or even angry with life and people that didn’t pay heed to your choices. It is never too late to raise your voice and slam your perpetrator (and all of those who assisted her). Because injustice is wrong, even if it happened decades ago. But then you must vent out your reaction in the right direction. And pointing it towards your daughter is not right. In the fight against gender inequality, the worst thing to do is to impose on your daughter or any other woman the same restrictions and hatred that you faced as a woman. It will only encourage injustice and women’s oppression rather than opposing them.

Rather than hating your daughters, raise them into feminists who will oppose every restriction and oppression that comes their way. Be the feminist yourself who has the will to raise your voice against the wrong done today or years ago. And who is proud of her gender and doesn’t perceive it as subordinate. Even though motherhood wasn’t your choice, make it a way to raise a generation where a woman will not bear the burden of unwanted pregnancy and imposed life choices.

Copyright © 2022 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

candalee@candalee.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

Return to Self-Worth

Self-worth is how you value yourself. It’s not based on what others think of you or the things you have (or haven’t) accomplished; it comes from within. But it’s easy to forget that our worth isn’t determined by outside forces.

How we measure our worth affects the kind of life we live.  This has become profound in the events of my life over the past three months.  I would have never thought to be where I am now if I hadn't decided to reinvent how I feel about myself.  I had allowed others to demean and make me feel less than worthy because of mistakes and how they perceived my life should be.  Numbers no longer determine my value.  Places no longer determine my value.  Religion no longer determines my value.

It is important to manifest in my own lane.  It is important to begin to care for yourself first and then extend as much as you can but not too much!  I have a to-do list which captures priority and I can cross off what is less important and perhaps not crucial to my well-being.  My God, my husband, my children, my home, my education, and my employment are exactly prioritized in that order.  I am learning that grades are not as important as dedication and integrity.

Do not allow others to berate you for past mistakes.  The mistakes were made, amends were made, and don't look back.  I have allowed this behavior against me for far too long and I have others who insist on still stalking and gossiping.  Allow them.  They are only showing that they are insecure in their own worth.

In the last month, I have shed more weight, no more stress headaches, I have closed the circle of close friends, and I am enjoying my hobbies.  I no longer have to work two employments after being chosen to work for an incredible company with an amazing salary!  I learned that when I pulled in, increasing exercise, eating healthy, sleeping more hours, and put beautiful changes into our home and properties, my days began to change.  

Become selfish!  Find your own self worth!  It is the time ...  Love becoming what you want to be ...

Copyright © 2022 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

candalee@candalee.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

Why A Stalker

Being stalked can be paralyzingly frightening. Victims aren’t traumatized just once; they’re perpetually unsettled by attempts at contact and often begin to feel like there’s no safe place to go. 

The Bureau of Justice Statistics reports that about three million people are stalked every year, most by people they know and often a former intimate partner. As many as 10% of stalking victims fear for their lives, and all victims face massive disruptions to their routines. While stalking, like domestic violence, has been around for generations, it has been only in recent years that the issue has been taken seriously, and many victims may be hesitant to seek help. I have learned that misery loves company and abusers are attracted to other abusers.  In this, I take peace.  It is not my issues but theirs.

At its core, stalking consists of repeated attempts to gain control over or terrorize someone. Stalking exists on a continuum. On the lower end, it might involve repeated phone calls, letters, or email contacts. In its more extreme manifestations, however, stalking might involve repeatedly going to a person’s house, making threats against a person, harming pets, stealing possessions, or interfering with a person’s relationships with friends, family, or coworkers. Stalkers may alternate between patterns of domestic violence and stalking.  My stalker made the internet her army.  She defies authority and hides behind a new name.  This is the coward trait of a stalker.

Each state establishes its own legal criteria for stalking. Laws generally require multiple unwanted contacts and mandate that a victim fear for his or her safety. A coworker who comes back to see a person at his or her office daily, for example, would not be stalking, and a secret admirer who sends flowers once per week is not necessarily a stalker. Repeated contacts rise to the level of stalking when they’re designed to gain power over a person and cause emotional terror.  What about a person who continually contacts a person's employment in order to harassment and cause possible judgment and severance.  In my case, my husband and I have contacted a employment attorney and with his assistance, I will present those to the public that have done such and ask for relief from the courts. 

Stalkers often emphasize that they “love” their victims and occasionally say they stalk to keep others safe. Even family members can profess love and yet stalk and maim from the background.  For example, an abusive ex-husband might say he stalks his ex-wife to ensure she’s properly caring for their children. Psychologically, however, stalking is a crime of control. Stalkers see their victims as possessions who are rightfully theirs, and stalking behavior is frequently activated by a breakup or an ex-partner’s new relationship.

Some mental health issues can lead to stalking. People with personality issues such as a borderline personality diagnosis may have trouble letting go of relationships and sometimes use manipulative tactics to control people. Erotomania is a delusion in which a person believes that another person—often a celebrity is in love with him or her, and this can lead to stalking. However, not all stalkers have mental health conditions, and the overwhelming majority are men. Cultural and gender norms may contribute to stalking behavior. It can even be a family member.

If you’re being stalked, don’t make excuses for the stalker or tell yourself you are overreacting. Tell a friend or family member what’s happening so you have a support person and a witness. If you are in immediate danger or are being followed, dial 911. There’s no price for overreacting, but underreacting to stalking can, in extreme cases, be fatal. Other things you can do to remain safe:

• Change your routine frequently so that it is more difficult for your stalker to find you. 
• Instruct friends, family, and employers not to give out information about you without your express permission.
• Keep a log of every incident so you have evidence if you need to press charges.
• Seek a restraining order against the stalker, and call the police immediately if he or she violates the order. I was granted a permanent injunction against my stalker but it hasn't stopped her so more criminal action is being sought.

References:

Help for victims. (n.d.). Stalking Resource Center. Retrieved from http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/help-for-victims

1. King, M. W., & Sivak, A. (n.d.). Stalking: New studies shed light on a crime that terrorizes its victims. National Crime Prevention Council. Retrieved from http://www.ncpc.org/programs/catalyst-newsletter/catalyst-newsletter-2009/volume-30-number-11/stalking-a-new-study-sheds-light-on-a-crime-that-repeatedly-terrorizes-its-victims
2. Stalking. (n.d.). National Institute of Justice. Retrieved from http://www.nij.gov/topics/crime/stalking/
3. Stalking. (n.d.). USDOJ: Office on Violence Against Women: Crimes of Focus: Stalking. Retrieved from http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/aboutstalking.htm

Copyright@2020 

www.CandidCandaSpeaksOut.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be printed, copied, reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.