I Ride The Dark Horse: 2017

Saturday, October 28, 2017

I AM IMPORTANT ..

Do you know someone that uses "the victim personality". I am dealing with such a person. It has been a long road but there is one thing that I have learned through this whole mess and it is that I AM IMPORTANT, yesterday, today, and tomorrow! I am standing up for myself and I no longer care what the emails, opinions, posts, letters, and snarky attitude of my pest befalls me. I am defended, loved, cared about, and karma will take care of the rest.

There is a crippling dependency on a small army of friends and co-workers that my pest needs for support and sympathy. Such a person cannot act alone. One-sided stories, exaggeration and lying are common place for one that has fallen under the spell of the victim personality. This type of personality instinctively draws out the caring, nurturing, and protective qualities in a person, only to set them up for manipulation and abuse. What has become a blessing about this situation is that my pest has come to make me feel important and valuable. I now understand that this person is incapable of taking care of own personal needs and therefore, attempts to destroy my civil rights and boundaries. There is a sense of "squealing" from the pest as they are receiving the same medicine dished out; hence, the victim personality. This has become interesting and monumental in my belief that my pest is nothing more than a domestic terrorist.

Oh, this part of my writing will once again be printed and presented to the legal system as some sort of threat. A second book has been published by Amazon describing the years of abuse from a pest. Again, I hope it will offer hope and comfort to those that are being tormented as well. Just remember, only you can make yourself seem unimportant and of no value. Others that attempt to do such random acts of torment because they are unable to take responsibility for their own happiness or misery. My pest has to go to the extremes to get "revenge" for perceived abuse even though the pest is the one destroying my property and falsely accusing me of being irresponsible. The intention is to provoke an aggressive behavior from me which will not happen. The nagging, complaining, harassment, and beseeching to others how horrid I am is no longer. Bullies are bullies because they have learned from bullies. It is all they know how to do. Unfortunate.

Taking the higher road because I ride the dark horse ..

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Friday, October 13, 2017

Pretentiousness ..

As my husband and I visited our attorney's office to sign paperwork, an asset list became a topic. The word "pretentious" came to mind. Of course, the dictionary defines pretentious as "attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed". Interesting!

Some people while interacting with others project false, overwhelming, and exaggerating behavioral pattern of excessive emotional attachment and attempt to get attention in strange and unusual ways. They can be overly touchy and minor situations can cause wild swings in their emotions. They can pose such behavior during times of extreme stress when presented with having to be responsible or accountable for negative behavior. In reading an article about persons who exaggerate, the following became apparent; "exaggerated, shallow emotions,anger, boredom, hysteria, sadness, jealousy, disappointment, fear, boredom, overly dramatic, reactive and intensely expressed behavior, strident and superficial emotionality, emotional storms, constant attention-seeking, sexually seductive behavior, emotional behavior, ruthless willfulness, emotional manipulation, demands for constant attention, suicide gestures and threats." This is quite a list.

I have to giggle a bit as I am the one being accused of exaggeration and I am sure, focused fits of rage. When one can't care for themselves, they will focus their anger on those who can. And when attempt is made to destroy others, it will only show the insecurities and lack of ability of the pretentious person exhibiting the negative behavior.

Today, life was validated once again. How grateful I am to those who have stood by, believed, and defended. Rejoicing in the closure and the wonderful new adventures that have been coming our way! No exaggeration because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Saturday, October 7, 2017

Subtle Characteristics ..

Today was a day of marvelous revelations. My wonderful husband and I sat in a small breakfast diner and read a passage that was more than bizarre. It was written as though there was a struggle happening within the spirit. So the question came to be; have you ever had someone involved in your life that seemed to live in a fantasy world where everything said or written felt false and exaggerated? What possesses a person to be so filled with rage and confusion that they portray themselves as scattered and aggressive? Of course, these passages secure my position once again that someone is consumed with my life and cannot handle that I could be moving on from such rage and obvious emotional imbalance. Maybe even close to not being a part of reality or incapable of being so.

Having an abusive attitude wrecks havoc to not only one's own life but to those they are involved with. Are there certain personality traits that may be occurring to cause such animosity? One does have to pity such an affliction. I know that I will be studied, stalked, and more writings will attempt to discredit what is believed to be incorrect. There will be manipulation and a distraction from the truth. I know that I need to proceed with caution and not be distracted from the job at hand. It will be the same today and tomorrow and the day after because that is all that can be done. Low self-esteem, tempermentalness, anger, deceptiveness, impulsivity, jealousy, and abuse are in the repertoire to the entrance to the day. Do the lies that are posted bother me any more? No. Do the tauntings and ridicule ruin my day! Absolutely not! In fact, they give me even better reasons to work hard and do better than I did the day before because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Saturday, September 9, 2017

Anger and Revenge or Compassion and Pity ..

Yesterday was a very emotional day. It may be the beginning of the end. I struggled afterwards; maybe, it could have been considered a breakdown. My husband and I spoke for a few hours after wondering why my emotions were so mixed up. When I walked into the room, I wanted to lash out, hurt, say what I wanted to say in anger, take revenge for the horrid words and actions. When I walked into the room and saw what I saw, I had a sudden rush of pity. It must be difficult to be alone and in a chaos. I understand this. No husband, no lover who is claimed to be loved by, no family, no friends. Alone! I suddenly felt compassion. This was a new rush of emotions in a volatile situation. And, how do I move on with such emotions?!

For years, I have been teased, taunted, blackmailed, publicly humiliated (still am), and yet I have met all with resilience and tolerance. I have had a person that I thought to be truthful and humanitarian; his lies exposed and his excuses unjust. His and her cheating and liens exposed. I have a incredible law firm with (4) attorneys researching claims, speak to people involved, and fight for us. I have employment that has backed me 100% despite the public attack and damage to our staff. This will be huge and it could change the course of legislation in the days to come.

We have won a damages award against this stalker and medieval reminder that bullies do exist and wish to cause harm. Of course, the lessons of the whole affair has not affected her in the slightest and the attack against my family and I continue. Pity has replaced anger; moving forward has replaced looking back, and blessings have come forward to assist us more. No swords were crossed in the battle and the legal system slowly prevails. The next chapter soon to unfold ..

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Do I Want To Forgive?

Whether it is a friend who betrays a confidence, a parent who let you down as a child, a mean-spirited person who insists in attempting to make life miserable, we must all face the question of whether and how to forgive. I had a wonderful interview the other day with a reporter and the question of forgiveness was brought and how I would handle my situation moving forward. After you are wronged and the initial wave of emotion has passed, you are presented with a new challenge: Do you forgive the person? By forgiving, you let go of your grievances and judgments and allow yourself to heal. While this may sound good in theory, in practice forgiveness can sometimes feel impossible.

I am learning how to forgive. In order to learn how to forgive, I must first learn what forgiveness is not. Most of us hols at least some misceptions about forgiveness. Here are some things that forgiving someone doesn't mean.

Forgiveness doesn't mean that I am pardoning or excusing the other person's actions or negative behavior.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I need to tell the person that he or she is forgiven.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that I shouldn't have any more feelings about the situation.
Forgiveness doesn't mean there is nothing further to work out in the relationship or that everything is okay.
Forgiveness doesn't mean I should forget the incident ever happened.
Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to continue to include this person in my life.
Forgiveness is not something that I do for the other person.

By forgiving, you are accepting the reality of what happened and finding a way to live in a state of resolution about it. This can be a gradual process and it doesn't have to necessarily have to include the person you are forgiving. Forgiveness is not something you for for the person who wronged you; it is something that you do for you!

So if forgiveness is something that I do for myself and if it can help me heal, why is it so hard? I believe that there are several reasons. I am filled with thoughts of retribution or revenge, I enjoy feeling superior, I am not quite sure how to resolve the situation, I am addicted to the adrenaline that anger provides, I self-identify as a victim, I am afraid that if I forgive I will have to re-connect with the other person. These reasons not to forgive can be resolved by becoming more familiar with yourself, with your thoughts and feelings, and with your boundaries and needs.

Now that I know that forgiveness is not and why it is so hard, I need to ask myself: Do I want to forgive? Forgiveness requires feeling willing to forgive. Sometimes I won't, because the hurt went too deep, or because the person was too abusive or expressed no regret. Do not attempt to forgive someone before you have identified, fully felt, expressed, and released your anger and pain. This can sometimes take days, months, or years. Once you decide you are willing to forgive, find a good place and time to be alone with your thoughts. Think about the incident that angered you. Accept that it happened. Accept how you felt about it and how it made you react. In order to forgive, you need to acknowledge the reality of what occurred and how you were affected. Acknowledge the growth you experienced as a result of what happened. What did it make you learn about yourself, or about your needs and boundaries. Not only did you survive the incident, perhaps you grew from it. Think about the other person. This is very difficult. He or she is flawed because all human beings are flawed. He or she acted from limited beliefs and skewed frames of reference. When you were hurt, the other person was trying to have a need met. What do you think this need way and why did the person go about it in such a hurtful way? Decide whether or not you want to tell the other person that you forgiven him or her. If you decide not to express forgiveness directly, then do it on your own. Say the words, "I forgive you", aloud and then add as much explanation as you feel is merited.

Forgiveness puts a final seal on what happened that hurt me. I will still remember what happened, but I will no longer be bound by it. Having worked through the feelings and learned what I need to do to strengthen my boundaries or get my needs met, I am better able to take care of myself in the future. Forgiving the other person is a wonderful way to honor myself. It affirms to the universe that I deserve to be happy and because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Saturday, April 1, 2017

The Challenge of Adversity ..

Does it seem like every challenge that you experience becomes a big headache in your life? No matter what adverse events you are currently experiencing, there is a purpose behind each one. For most of us, it is difficult to imagine losing a child and finding out that a parent has cancer is a blessing. I now know this from personal experience. After experiencing an adverse event, you will be at a crossroads. You can either view it as a blessing or allow your past to control the rest of your life.

Over the past months, I have been experiencing adversity but I am finding that these situations have become blessings. I have been learning to surround myself with positive people. I am being selective with the people that I surround myself with. Indirectly they affect your mood and your outlook. When you are in an emotional state of mind, it is important to surround yourself with people who are supportive and encouraging. Human beings conform to those around them. Conformity is the change of behavior caused by another person or group of people. When experiencing adversity, it is crucial in your development to surround yourself with people who are accepting of your flaws, mistakes, and imperfections. Overcoming adversity can be a challenge; when you have a supportive team helping you move forward and it is much easier to accept yourself.

I write! And I write a lot! There is something peaceful in writing down your thoughts. However long or short your written entries are, the process of writing down your emotions allows you to reflect. I have found there are many benefits to writing; it allows for self-expression without judgment, helps to give feedback to my life, allows me to better understand my situation, allows me to think outside the box, and it makes me a better philosopher. Write in a journal once a day and whatever emotions, feelings, or thoughts come to mind, jot it down. Years from now you will be able to reflect and see just how much you have developed. You never know; you could be onto a great novel like the one I am writing!

I love nature. Nature is very therapeutic! Living in a society where we are constantly moving around, we are often disconnected from the beauty of nature. Whether it be hiking on a forest trail, riding my mare, or gardening at home, I love taking the time to connect myself with nature as it is a healing process. There have been more that 100 research studies that have shown that outdoor activities reduce the level of stress. With adversity comes stress and frustration. Taking the time to be outside is a way for you to nurture your being and allow yourself a deep breath and relax. The sun and the air give you a sense of calmness during the face of adversity.

I am learning to start investing in myself. There is not greater investment than the investment within your own personal development. Experiencing adversity is a great excuse for people to not take charge of their lives. I am experiencing the adversity of finishing a college education, a legal confrontation with not a nice person, building my little farm into a productive income, my employment, and planning for my daughter's wedding. We all face adversity in some way. What makes one individual succeed and another not is how they handle their challenges. Many of us allows challenges to defeat us. What we need to focus on is developing into a stronger and wiser individual because of the challenges. There is no better way to do so than developing your internal world.

Adversity is a blessing in disguise. I may not think so at this moment, but it will eventually make me stronger and wise because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

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Tuesday, February 14, 2017

A Valentine Tribute to My Phenomenal Husband ..

I have been married to my best friend for 18 years. He is the love of my life and the last 4 years have become the best years yet! I am thankful to have time with him despite dealing with his critical illness. Over the past two years, we have nearly lost him to Heaven four times. His courage and strength is incredible.

I love his steady, happy self, despite not feeling good most of the day and night. He values my opinions and my decisions. He supports me in so many ways; shows enthusiasm, compliments and congratulates, smiles and laughs with me and he knows that I will be there for him until the end. He spends a good part of his day sleeping and attempts to do what he can the rest of the day. Despite times of barely able to get out of bed, I find my car started and warm. I come home to a warm supper and smiles!

He is an affectionate man, giving hugs, kisses, and sweet words because that it his love language. I love to find his love notes in my lunch, on my mirror, or in my car. In the evening while I am dealing with my homework, he makes sure that I have ice water and snacks to carry me through. Nightly, he sits to "de-brief" with me devoting his time to talk to me and listen to how my day went. He is always great at being in this moment, right-now.

For all of our marriage, he was on the road with his company of more than 30 years. He never missed calling me morning and night, sending flowers from the road, sending cards through the mail to always make me feel important and loved. He would leave random cards and gifts in various areas of our home for me to find when he was away. He is always thinking ahead.

We have survived the worst of the worse and celebrated the best of the best. Some days we have not liked each other and there are days when we can't get enough of each other. We understand how to bring out the best in each other which helps to survive the days that may not be so great. Shared laughter is an important part of our relationship and seeing the the humor in catastrophes seems to pull us through.

We love road trips and vacations. We leave every chance we can get. New adventures bring out the child-side of us. Long walks in the evenings, ocean shores, deep sea fishing, and boating takes away the cares and concerns of our world. He loves to work in the yard, till the fields with his tractor, and feed the animals. He loves to watch me with our horses; helping at competition and cheering along the way. He is kind to our dogs and cats making sure that they are loved and cared for. I appreciate how he loves to be clean and organized like me. He puts up with my innate sense of coordination down to plates, silverware, and towels.

Today I am grateful for my husband .. Who knows what the tomorrow, next week, or next year will bring, but today I am grateful for one more day, one more smile, one more hug, one more kind word, and an evening where he will greet me and we will enjoy the moon and the stars together because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Trust Yourself .. You Know More Than You Think You Do .. !!

"I know of nothing more valuable, when it comes to the all-important virtue of

authenticity, than simply being who you are .."

~ Charles Swindoll

What does it mean to be a person? How do we become the best version of ourselves? We first have to understand that every person is completely unique. Your exact history, experience and perspective, along with your interests, skills, physical makeup, are like no one else's. We, as human beings, are unique individuals and we must remain mindful of that fact as we live our lives. Your life is yours; mine life is mine, and so on for each each individual. I have enjoyed taking my sociology classes as it has given me a greater understanding of not only myself but those around me.

Another important aspect to remember is there is no set model or map of life for human beings. Our futures are not strictly determined by our biology, our history, our culture or other factors that become a part of our life at birth. We have options and, in most instances, the freedom to craft ourselves based on individual interests, skills and motivations.

In spite of these two truths, there are influences in life that make it difficult for us to act like individuals and to assume the personal responsibility necessary to freely develop our individuality. Sometimes we do not stop to think about the needs and desires of our individual selves, sometimes we do not have the courage to life out our lives in a certain way and sometimes the influence of others is just too strong to let our individuality shine through. We don't always act like the individuals we are. We don't always direct our lives as responsibly as we could. By not doing so, we don't really honor the completely unique life each of us has been given.

Authenticity does not mean that we shun all traditions, popular opinions, social customs or popular morality. It doesn't mean throwing everything associated with other people away even though we may feel like it. It also doesn't mean doing, believing, valuing and feeling the opposite of what is popular; when that misguided approach is taken, you're still taking your cues from what one does by simply doing the opposite. Authenticity means seeing the many possibilities before us and choosing which to pursue by communicating with ourselves. Often, there will be some overlap; you may find that some of the ideas that are popular around you truly resonate with you, or the career path others expect you to pursue is what you actually want for yourself. But until you go through the process of checking in with yourself, you don't know if that is so. Sometimes you will need to ask the advice of others as I have done and that is fine. The key is not to let others drown our your internal dialogue in the process. And I know this because ,,

I ride the dark horse ..

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Joy In The Journey ..

It has been a busy week! There are just not enough hours in the day for what I want to accomplish and to accomplish it well! I had a very tough paper to write for my last Sociology class and combined with all of the other items that needed to be taken care of, I felt overwhelmed.

Perfection can sometimes be the enemy of righteousness because when we get so caught up worrying about being perfect, about being a perfect spouse, a perfect son or daughter, a perfect parent, a perfect teacher, or a perfect friend, it’s easy to become discouraged because none of us will ever be perfect in this life. Even though our Savior commanded us to be perfect like Him and our Heavenly Father, He has no expectation that we’re going to accomplish that in this life. It’s impossible.

The second lesson about being positive in a negative world is that life really is hard sometimes, and you’ve got to keep trying anyway. There will always be people to discourage and trials that will get in the way. It is all in our attitude that will predict the outcome.

The last lesson about being positive in a negative world is that we must look for (and remember) the joy in our lives. Yesterday was that sort of day! Fun with my phenomenal husband and children. Though overwhelmed, the release of joy that happened makes it worth another day of trying to accomplish all that needs to be done. The joy in the snowflakes, the smile of a friend, the happy look of my dog as I walk into the house, and a cat who loves to sleep next to me. These are the positive pieces of my life that make everything worthwhile because ..

I ride the dark horse ..