Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Adult Bully Compassion

You, with your switching sides,
And your walk by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again,
As if I don’t already see them.
I walk with my head down,
Trying to block you out cause I’ll never impress you….
                          —Taylor Swift, “Mean”

I have been struggling with my emotions and reactions when dealing with people who are just vicious and mean.  This hostility is directed at me.  I have learned much of what I need to do ..

See it for what it is; the person attacking me as a twisted soul and self-destructive.  It is the coward inside of her that knots her heart until she cannot function in the real world and works to recruit those who seem to be as sad and non-functioning as she is.   Her addictions take over her sense of reality and I have come to acknowledge such.  As a close friend who knows her commented, "you have to feel very sorry for her, hers is a very lonely existence".  When I think of her world and my world, I get it.  It may not make it feel better, but it makes it livable. 

Be willing to accept the unpleasant emotions from the attacks and let them wash over me knowing that each attack will pass.  From each attack, I obtain new strength and courage.  I understand that the torment will follow me; family members will be contacted, friends will be called, employment will be emailed, background checks will be forwarded because this person feels entitled to be a gossip, a whiner, and a tattle tale.  So be it .. This is the true character that emerges from her.

Accept the fact that not everyone will like me for whatever reason and just stay away from them.   I have spent too much of my life trying to be the person that I thought everyone else wanted me to be.  No more and I am having the best time.   I have wonderful friends that have made similar mistakes, enjoy the same activities, and have zero tolerance for drama.  We empathize with failure and encourage success.

We can control our response when someone does or says or writes something mean.  We may not be able to control much about our life circumstances, but with practice we can control how we respond to those circumstances.  When my bully wishes and acts upon her emotions to spread documents or gossip about me, I can politely wish her well in her negative endeavors and lift her up in prayer and forgiveness.  We will all have to stand in front of our God one day and give reasons for our actions.  He will be the final judge; she is not.

Remember that you can control your response when someone does or says something mean. We may not be able to control much about our life circumstances, but with practice we can control how we respond to those circumstances.

Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker,
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright

Monday, January 29, 2018

A Bully Needs A Mob ..

The truth .. Bullies, especially adult bullies, need constant chaos.  Within this chaos, there is a mob setting.  The bully, especially the one in our case, needs the mob to reject, mock, feed her ego, continue the escalation of drama and the cycling of gossip and filth.   I had to laugh as she drags their opinions into her fold because, I am sure, if there were something positive to say about her victim, she would thrash out at the member of her mob even if the truth was told.  How scary and sad is this?!

The adult bully seeks to isolate and remove support from the targeted.  The more people that can be brought into the mob and help her isolate and punish the person she resents, even better!  Isolation is part of the bully's consequences and a mob simply helps to make it happen on a larger scale.  Our adult bully thrives on sarcasm and slander.  She cannot function without some sort of degrading and vile comment towards my family and I. 

Everyone in our lives serves a purpose, even our adult bully.  Everyone in our life has something to teach us.  While people who are kind and friendly help teach you who you do want to be, there are those who are not kind and friendly.  They teach us who we do not want to be.  When we encounter someone who hurts our feelings, we need to learn to lean into that feeling.  Ask yourself; what did they do to make you feel that way?  Was it the words they chose?  Their tone? Their slandering on the internet?  The way that they pick and choose what truths or exaggerations they want to embelish?  The way that they exaggerate and make-up stories?  They will profess that they are stronger, more in control, sarcastic, and condescending.  They cannot stand alone as one person and this interrupts into being just a plain coward.  Today I laughed at the involved coward who cannot tell the truth when presented with the truth.   Of course, misery loves company and one has to consider the source.

Let's take the pledge!!  Promise yourself that you will never be unkind to anyone or use a mob to carry out negativity against another person.  I know how it feels to be treated the way I have.  The abuse continues with us but we have come to accept that it is just a part of our lives that chooses to never go away.  We can learn from their mistakes as well as ours.  This is how we become more compassionate and loving. 

When you meet someone that makes you feel good, lean into that feeling.  Introduce them to the pledge.  Regardless of how a person or a mob treats me, I stand to benefit from it.  We can be provided with powerful and memorable lessons on the social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.  In our world of hurts and pain already, we need to pledge to stop the hurt rather an perpetuate it.  We need to pledge to be the change that we would like to see; turning the negatives into the positives.  Hurtful words can be thrown like confetti, quick judgments are made in a couple of keystrokes, word pain can cut deep and when resolution is not even close to happening, we could pause for a moment and ask ourselves, "what is the person here to teach me?".   From a painful experience can become a pledge which in turn can ignite hope for others who are experiencing the same kind of pain and giving hope to all of humanity.

Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker,
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Saturday, January 27, 2018

"You Can Dish It Out .. But .."

Excerpt From .. (Not whole pages)

A common pattern with difficult people (especially the aggressive types) is that they like to place attention on you to make you feel uncomfortable or inadequate.  They love to point out that there is something not right with you or the way you do things.  The focus is consistently on "what's wrong" instead of "how to solve the problem".  This type of communication is often intended to dominate and control, rather than to sincerely take care of issues.  If you react by being on the defensive, you simply fall in the trap of being scrutinized, thereby giving the aggressor more power while the person picks on you with impunity.

What do you do if the person doesn't like the taste of the medicine received back after being dished out?  I am amused at a situation I am currently dealing where threats and combativeness happen on a near every day basis.  In good humor, I simply show the public how silly the person is in their own compositions and writings.  Why not?  This person's obsession is beyond normal and living in such negativity for so long has taken its toll.  The contradictions and exaggerations must be horrid to keep up with. The black cloud must bear heaviness and unhappiness.  There is nothing I can do that will convince this person that she just needs to let go.   A typical attitude of "its okay for me to do it" but "don't do it to me" just isn't working any more. 

The attacks are repetitive; nothing new, most very old news.  I have to laugh when it was said that our "court case" went back more than 30 years.  No, it is only about what is believed in the mind of someone who can't get past the past.  Constant chaos is the way of living for her and life cannot be lived without drama and in the attitude of superiority and perfection over others.  I will admit that I have made serious mistakes in the course of my life, but I do not need someone, especially a stranger, to remind me of them on a daily basis.  Not without taking responsibility for the mistakes that they have made as well.  And make sure to include all of the facts; not pick and choose just the ones that make the perpetrator look better than the person being attacked.   Another way of putting this is that this person is susceptible to criticism because it endangers their frail sense of internal validation, she takes great pains to devalue and invalidate the person she is attacking. To achieve such, she will do everything possible to make sure that her victim is degraded and humiliated.  But now that her position is being exposed as false, arbitrary, and untenable, she will become evasive, articulate half-truths, and flat out contradict herself.  It is causing an emotional crisis and level of immaturity in her.  For me, it is a small victory.  Maybe I should not reference it as such, but validation that what has been placed on the internet can be false and misleading. I am grateful to those who have believed in us and stood by us.  It is beginning to pay off in our persistence and fortitude.  We can only be devalued if we allow it.

The monumental happening in all of this is that we have movement forward; tomorrow is a wonderful new day filled with the beautiful and the wonder.  I am grateful for the blessing of my day that was better today than yesterday and my tomorrow is spotless, ready for my positive movement forward because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker,
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher, CandaLee Parker, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Fair is Fair ..

The following excerpts are fiction  .. (Not complete pages)  Check out the book on Amazon in 3-5 days!

"I have been condemned for revealing the secrets of a long-term relationship.  It is said that I was unkind in emailing the information.  Yet, I was not the only one involved.  I would have never revealed such secrets if the man had been honest in his dealings with me.  Oh, the boxes of notes, cards that I found, copied, and forwarded on, I am sure, did not present good feelings, whether towards me or the man ... "

" ...Why is it the woman is the one condemned and yet the man is felt sorry for?  Oh, no!  Not anymore.  I don't care. I will make sure that all are aware of his involvement and not only with me, but the many during the years.  How can one man be so cowardly to hid behind the skirts of a woman who he claims he "would never marry because she could not emotionally or financially care for him?" And he wasn't talking about me.   After all, he did not want to work so hard any more.  Of course, her family member exclaimed that she will leave her newest husband "when the money runs out!"  That is her course!  This is what she does because she cannot care for herself.  Even her current husband left her at the alter and did not marry her for another year. But he is the same as her; exaggeration and lies follow the both of them.  They still fun and frolic together even though she claims to be a married woman. The entire town knows of it. Some have told me about it. She claims not; but, I have. On the fateful day when I received the email from his once wife asking for me to write a letter about the happenings of the past 30 years, I was hesitant.  Should I reveal such?!  After all, it would only hurt her and the daughter.  He would not be hurt.  She knew she would be hurt; she had always her suspicions. He had always lied that they had no relationship, he was only waiting for the daughter to be out on her own. So he said to many women. He called her "fat", he called her "ugly",  she "stole all of his monies", "so much spent on drive-through coffees and flowers for the flower shop", and don't forget, the barrel racing horse that he did not get the monies for when it was sold.  "She cheated him out of properties" his home that she lovingly made for him and their daughter, and yet I found out that she had saved the money for the properties. For him to be prosperous and looking out for his happiness.  So much I learned from her.  She was the stable one in their past relationship; not him. How he did not want to attend his daughter's wedding as "she was making a mistake taking on someone else's children" ... 

" ... He could not even tell the truth when looking at me and looking down at his cell phone typing back to a woman that he then confessed in having a relationship.  The woman who he claimed to gag kissing her because of the rotten smell of cigarettes on her breath and clothes.  She was a good "lay" he told me as that was all she was good for.  Her rages scared him. He was afraid she would burn him in his sleep.  Good for her.  Obviously, that is all she has. Of course, she denies it, but he told me.  I saw.  I heard. He had admitted to lying about her and the other woman for many days prior. I fought back tears as I walked out and left him in a parking lot; what had been found out about him, truth.  So why does the woman be the one condemned and the man walks away.  Well, he won't!  He continues to hide behind the skirts of the married woman; she writes for him, she answers all of his questions, she tells him what to say.  He says this is because she will turn on him like she has done me and he could not handle such.  He could not even answer when my husband tried to call and email him.  Oh, she did.  I am sure he whined to her. Coward! ..."

" ... There are papers that have been sent, promises written, telephone conversations recorded, and an attorney waiting.  It will be even a more embarrassment as the days draw closer.  His former wife and daughter will know more. Do I care?  Not in the slightest.  After all, I am the condemned woman.  What do I have to lose?  Nothing in comparison to him. One battle has been won and the next waiting to draw swords and go into battle.  He will be cowardly again and make excuses as always.  He will deny but it will be difficult as the papers and other evidence will show that I am telling the truth to the very end because fair is fair ..." and ..."

I ride the dark horse!

Copyright © 2018 by CandaLeeParker,
All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.