I Ride The Dark Horse

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

My Christmas Blessing #6

This past year my newest Christmas blessing is courage! I understand the dangers, I feel the fear, and I find the courage to do the right thing. Strength and wisdom combine as I ward off temptation and act according to my values. Of course, the definitions of courage are overcoming fear, grace under pressure (Ernest Hemingway wrote of this), choosing self-respect, wise endurance, uncomplaining acceptance of unendurable conditions (I believer Eisenhower wrote of this), doing right despite the fright, and most importantly, value-based action despite temptation.

A courageous person understands danger and chooses to overcome their fear and proceed to face danger and act according to their values. It is not fearlessness, recklessness, rage, rashness, or being cruel when angered. It is a well-considered, wise, and brave decision to behave constructively despite the fear, discomfort, or temptation. This is a wonderful attribute I have learned this past year; don't be angered, make the decision to be wise and respectful, and know that what goes around comes around and I do not want it to be negative. Courage is a strength drawn from a wise balance between the weaknesses of cowardice and recklessness. It is the discipline to act on wisely-chosen values rather than impulse.

Bullies and brutes exploit a substantial power advantage to cruelly harass or attack weaker victims. Because of the power differential, they have nothing to fear; they are demonstrating cowardliness rather than courage. Bluffs are more subtle. For a threat to be effective, the threatened person has to believe the person making the threat has the ability and courage to carry out the threat. Credibility of threat may be the best measure of perceived courage.

Courage does not tolerate whining. Criticize if you must, but never whine. Whiners are playing the victim and acting like they have no choices, no responsibility, and certainly no courage. I am grateful for not being one who whines .. This is a blessing!

Robert Kennedy once said, "This world demands the quality of youth; not a time of life but a state of mind, a temper of the will, a quality of the imagination, a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over a life of ease."

How grateful I am for the blessing of courage and adventure because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Copyright © 2016 by CandaLeeParker, IRideTheDarkHorse.com

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Sunday, December 4, 2016

My Chirstmas Blessing #5

I can feel their unasked questions. People wonder how I can still stand, still walk, still laugh. But they don't ask. You can't ask that of a mother who has lost her child. My son, Derek, died at the age of 23 years. When people ask me, "How ... are you?", that pause, that inflection, tells me that's really what they want to know. How is losing a child a Christmas blessing? Because he was a blessing; yesterday, today, tomorrow, and for the eternities. I am grateful for the years that he was here yet somehow I believe that he is still here. In that, there are blessings.

I am tempted to tell them that it is I who am lost, not he. I am lost in my search for him, knowing he is nowhere on this earth. And still, it would not surprise me if he were to appear by my side wearing his gray hoodie, eating the chocolate chip cookies that he so loved. Sometimes I can almost smell his hair and his boyish sweat. But when I look around, he is not there.

Sometimes my mind will invent stories. He is traveling; playing with the rock band that he so wanted to be a part of. I thumb through the pages of his music books and play a bit on his guitar. "Where are you, Derek?", "Why did you die?". Even that has no real answer. He died in a single car accident on a rainy, windy road. This cloud of uncertainty does not obscure what I know: My child is dead.

The instinct to protect one's offspring runs through mothers of all species. I violated the basic canon of motherhood. I failed to protect my child. That my child is dead while I still live defies the natural order. I dearly love my husband and other surviving children, but I couldn't transfer my love for Derek to them. It was for him alone. And so, for the longest time after his death, my love for Derek was as if my breath was taken from me. So unbearable was my occluded heart that I called out to him in desperation one day: "What will I do with my love for you, Derek?" My eyes were closed in grief when suddenly I see him before me, his arms bent and lifted as if in question. In my mind's eye, his face is filled with love and his smile a bit crooked, a common look for Derek. "Just love me, Mama," he says. "But where are you?", I ask. "I am right here, Mama!", he answers and then he is gone. I tell him that I love him. I beg him to speak to me. I beg him to come back to me. And now, months after he died, I felt him before me. "Just love me, Mama. I am here!" His words unleash a torrent, my tears streaming and uncontrollable, I could and will continue to love him; here and in the eternities. It is harder to do than I expected. I see him everywhere, in every full moon, in each brilliant day. In the sparkles across the snow that he loved and in between cold drops of rain. Sometimes my spirit will soar in the spirit of his memory and sometimes it becomes stuck in the earth, taking every effort to pull myself skyward. There are days when a weight in my heart makes each breath shallow and every step, painful and stumbling. On the worst days, I sit and write and pour out my feelings to him, alone.

I will carry my child blessing for the rest of my life. His golden curls and piercing blue eyes lives within me. Others will carry him as they move forward with their lives. He will be with them when they look out to the world with compassion, when they act with determination and kindness, when they are brave enough to contemplate all the things in life that remain unknown.

As for me, I will search for my blessing, but without desperation. I look for him in others. My search is lifted by his words: "Just love me, I'm here!"

So you ask me how the death of my child is a Christmas blessing? It is because he is all around me and through me and leading me. I see him in the eyes and being of my other children and to those that he made such an impression. I carry on because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

My Christmas Blessing #4

How much do I love my sons? I never tire of talking about them, listening to them, and so appreciate their thoughtfulness and care. Each so individual, yet so much alike. Each an angel unaware; blessings in my life.

I love hearing his voice first thing in the morning. His voice crackles with sleep, drawn into the kitchen by the smell of breakfast.
He depends on me more than anyone else.
He is so tall that he will pick me up to give me hugs.
He kisses my forehead and calls me, "mama".
He makes me feel better when I have a tough day.
He wants to give money to the homeless man we see on the off-ramp.
He loves dogs and they love him in return.
He named his pet fish, Gavin, and wanted a brother named, Gavin.
He loves chocolate cupcakes with white frosting.
He says "hi" to everyone.
They made up a language of their own.
He gets super exited when something comes in the mail; except not so much now, as he has aged enough to get bills.
How committed he is to his girlfriend or wife.
He still loves to play with all of the matchboxes that I have saved since he was a small child.
He loves Stone Cold ice cream.
He gives me hugs when he wants something.
He loves his brothers even though he states that they annoy him.
He is well-behaved and respectful to all he meets.
He has an exceptional work ethic.
He loves his huge tool box and carefully makes sure all tools are in order.
I love the smell of his hair.
His eyes are the color of the ocean.
He finds joy in making others laugh.
He opens doors for those older than he is.
He loves to keep a clean, neat bedroom.
He keeps life interesting and impulsive.
He is a dreamer and has wonderful plans for the future.
When I look at him, I see my heart.
He loves to draw, paint, and create; just like me.
Sometimes, but not often, he lets me win when we play games.
He see people for who they are and not what they look like.
His eyes will tear when he is sad.
He is brave and willing to try new things.
He is quick to forgive everyone.
He loves for me to play the piano while he lays on the floor and listens.
He is gentle with children and animals.
He is great storyteller.
He has a sardonic sense of humor.
He is a born negotiator.
He brings me flowers and a diet coke with lime to my employment, "just because".
He assumes that every person he meets is a friend he hasn't met yet.
He is a great storyteller.
He snuggles up to me when we watch movies.
He is possessive and protective of me.
He sends me random text messages.
He proudly introduces me to everyone he knows.
He loves to surprise me with meals and chores being completed so I can work on my homework.

You may think that this is a lot but this describes ALL of my sons and the relationship that I have with them. I could go on and on and on about how wonderful they are and how proud they make me feel. So many blessings; so little words to describe how phenomenal they are, because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright.

Emotional Abuse ..

Emotional bullying is something everyone remembers from their childhood. Remember the biggest kid on the playground who wanted to play with a ball, so he just took it from a younger child? Or remember the time some kids surrounded someone who was a little different and teased and mocked them until they cried? Or maybe you recall the "cool" group of kids in school who would ignore you and never let you be part of their group?

You're remembering emotionally bullying. Emotional bullying is when a person tries to get what they want by making others feel angry or afraid. Emotional bullying can happen in personal relationships or at work, or even from a stranger. Emotional bullying isn't just seen on the playground; emotional bullying, although likely subtler, is seen in adult relationships and workplaces too. An emotional bully might:

Name-call, tease or mock
Use sarcasm
Threaten
Put-down or belittle
Ignore or exclude from a group
Lie
Torment
Gang up on others
Humiliate others

These behaviors can be seen in adult relationships like when an emotional bully makes another party "pay" for a perceived mistake or when an emotional bully constantly uses sarcasm in response to genuine questions. In the workplace, emotional bullying might be seen when "office pranks" are pulled in an attempt to humiliate a co-worker. And while some may write off emotional bullying as childish behavior or easily ignored, research shows that emotional bullying can leave lasting scars on its victims. Moreover, those who have experienced emotional bullying are more likely to turn around and become emotional bullies themselves. (In the case of my bully, she was emotionally and physically abused by others, so it is easy for her to be encouraged to bully others). Emotional bullying can have negative effects on a person's mental health. Victims often feel shame, guilt, embarrassment and fear. These effects of emotional bullying can result in:

Depression
Low self-esteem
Shyness
Poor academic or job performance
Isolation
Threatened or attempted suicide
Emotional bullying can also lead to a version of Stockholm Syndrome, where the victim over-identifies with the emotional bully and even defends the bully's behavior to others.

The same advice that works in the schoolyard also works with adults: ignore or stand up to bullies.

Adults have more understanding of an emotional bully's behavior than a child does and can see behind a bully's actions to someone who may feel scared and alone and is lashing out. Adults can also understand that an emotional bully's behavior is not about the victim but about the abuser. An emotional bully doesn't just bully one person; they attempt to dominate others in that way as well (of course, she needs an "army" because she is not strong enough to handle the miserable deeds herself). Armed with this knowledge, someone who has been emotionally bullied can see the behavior as the symptom of an illness rather than as a personal attack. This simple change in point of view may be enough to make an emotional bully's behavior easier to ignore. It may take a court case to change the course of attack. Political lobbying will be important in implementing consequences for adult bullies who wish to attack and not expect an impact on their behavior.

Standing up to an emotional bully is another tried and true technique. When someone stands up to an emotional bully, the bully is forced to change. It's unlikely that an emotional bully will ever change completely, but small alterations in behavior are possible and even more can happen if help is sought, including legal assistance. Standing up to an emotional bully makes it more likely that the bully will realize that there is a problem and they may even be more willing to get help for it. But, for today, I will prevail because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Christmas Blessing #3

Oh, how I love my daughters. So much alike and yet so different; I am blessed to have them as my best friends, confidants, and best of all, so beautiful!

I love how she thinks really fast and sometimes the words are jumbled because they cannot keep up with her thought processes.
I love how she beams with smiles and twinkles in her eyes.
I love that her imagination is wild and mischievous.
I love that once she told me that God had visited her in a dream and gave her a burrito. She was so obsessed with burritos that I found ways to push more cheese into them to melt for her.
I love that she says things like: "Remember when I was a little girl ..." and then reminisce about the good ole days.
I loved how she asked, "how old will I be when I am this tall?" and held her hand a few inches above her head.
I love how she has such a great sense of humor and to make others laugh, especially when they are sad.
I love that they are my daughters, but so different from me, yet alike. I love her confidence in never backing down from a fight or allowing others to berate her family. She can start a conversation with complete strangers like maintenance workers as if they were old friends.
I love how confident she is in public; in the midst of fighting a fire or assisting an accident victim.
I love that she loves horses more than I do; rides with me; and carries on long conversations about anything equine.
I love that they are so respectful of others; even those who are less than kind to them.
I love that they are phenomenal mothers; caring deeply and protecting their own daughters.
I love how intelligent they are and love to learn. I love how education is important in their own daughters and how wonderful they are in school and in sports.
I love how she texts me every day to make sure that I am okay and all is well in my world.
I love her laugh and how much she uses it.
I love how forgiving she is and when I offend her, she will immediately forgive and give me hugs.
I love her voice and how kind she speaks to her children and I.
I love that no matter how old they are, they will come in and snuggle in bed and we talk and talk and talk.
I love that they love to sit and watch old Walt Disney movies and talk about what they remember when they were young.
I love that they love me for loving them no matter what trouble or difficult situation. That I was always there to defend and protect.
I love that they are easy to please and love to have me cook for them.
I love how she multi-tasks and stays patient under pressure.
I love how beautiful their hair and eyes are. How beautiful they keep themselves.
I love that every day I love them more and more and more.
I love how they call me "mama" ... yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

How blessed am I to have my daughters? Sometimes far more than I deserve. This past week was a week of memories and fun with my daughters and grand-daughters. What a way it was to spend such a wonderful vacation. I am so looking forward to more vacation blessings to come because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

My Christmas Blessing #2

We have been married for 18 years this month and I wouldn't trade this man for the world. Want to know why? I will spell it out in plain and simple language. Don't get me wrong; we have had our disagreements, trust issues, and many days apart with his employment. More importantly, we have learned how to be happy spouses and having a phenomenal marriage.

He tells me that he loves me every day, and I mean every day! More often than not, he calls, texts, and leaves me notes letting me know how much he loves and appreciates my hard work, loving him, and our home.
He prays for me and with me. I matter enough to him that he talks to God about me and my needs.
When he was working, he worked hard to provide a living for us. I have always felt secure in his determination to do this. It is not like we haven't had hard times, we have and sometimes, still do. Since our roles have reversed and he is the home body, I always have lunches for work, a warm car to head to work in, suppers when I get home, and quiet time for homework.
He tells me that my hugs give him comfort and energy, especially since he has been so ill as of late. He'll say, "I need a hug", and I'll answer, "Me, too." We like hugs.
He is a gentleman and treats me a like a lady; opens doors for me, helps me with my coat, takes my hand when we cross a street or walk together, pulls out my chair for me to be seated; things like that.
He takes me on a weekly date. He has done it for as long as I remember. He knows how important it is to have quality, alone time in my busy schedule.
We love going to the movies and he is willing to take me to a chick flick and even acts as though he enjoys it. I repay him with an adventure movie the next time.
He brings me chicken strips when I am feeling down. He knows I really like them; it's healing medicine for me.
He encourages me to develop my talents. I take oil painting lessons, cello lessons, writing lessons, riding lessons; he makes sure it happens. I love how be brags about me when performing or competing.
He tells me I am attractive, even during those times when I do not feel a bit attractive. You know, before the makeup or combed hair. It surprises me and makes me happy inside. He makes me do all I want to do all I can to look good for him and for myself. Does he care or make fun of a few extra pounds? Never, a true and honest man.
He loves to buy me gifts. I will come home to flowers, a new coat, and just yesterday, new sweaters. If he sees something that I really like and I won't purchase for myself, he makes note and I will find it in some place where he knows I will look.
He wants me by his side. He will come in and say, "Road trip!" and we are gone. Our favorite place is Home Depot. He will load up our RV and we are gone!! I am so happy that he loves to be with me.
He helps me make the bed. If I get up before he does, which I often do with my employment schedule, he makes it alone. That's right, he loves a clean, neat bedroom as much as I do!
He cares about others. So often, even when he doesn't feel good, I see him out helping at the school, tutoring a student, visiting a friend from Eastern Washington who now lives close to us and in assisted living, taking care of our animals; his compassion touches my heart and makes him more complete.
He loves our children and frets over their sorrows and heartaches. He is not quite as emotional as I am about it as I am, but his love is deep and real. His heart is with them. He helps them.
He adores our grandchildren. I am so glad that it makes it double the fun to spoil them and he is good at teasing and being playful with them. They love it and so do I.
He has always been faithful to me. For all of our married life, he has faced temptation being away so much of the time in our marriage. Because of how sacred he considers our marriage vows, he has never wavered in that trust even though I may have.
I love that he is willing to help me with yard work even though its on the bottom of his favorite things to do list. He does it for me because I love a beautiful yard with no clutter. He is willing to work with me on this.
He takes care of me when I am sick. After a very difficult surgery, I could not hold back the tears from the pain. He held me close all night and I saw tears in his eyes. He ached to make me feel better. His caring helped me in my recovery.
I love how we have been best friends, especially over the past four years. We have had persons try to tear us apart, discourage, and cause pain. We are standing firm in our friendship, our continuous courtship and most of all, our marriage. We have withstood more than most and we will withstand more, I am sure.
He loves to make sure that I have my favorite meal, or ice cream, or vegetables close and he is quick to make me the best breakfast ever!

By now you must be thinking that my husband is near perfect. Well, he is not perfect but the near part is quite accurate. I could tell you about his imperfect side, but why would I even want to go there? My mind is too full of good things about him. I think that is what marriage is suppose to be. Just keep noticing the good stuff and you will see all the reasons why I know that my husband loves me. My husband is my Christmas Blessing because ..

I ride the dark horse ..

My Christmas Blessing #1

I thought I would begin this Christmas Season a little differently. I have so many blessings and sometimes I do not realize it until I sit down and begin to write. This coming year will be grand new adventures; a new children's book series, possibly finish my second novel, win a war against evil, expand my little horse herd, two piano/cello recitals, an Alaskan cruise, my daughter's wedding, and praying that my husband will be well enough to do those things that he wishes to accomplish.

My #1 Christmas Blessing which I appreciate very much is my work ethic. Whether you own your own business or work in amongst or alongside others, work ethic can affect your bottom line and your reputation. The solution is to foster and maintain a strong work ethic. A strong work ethic energizes you, your employers, and your employees to face challenges head-on, be your best and keep you at the top of your game.

Being professional involves everything from how you dress and present yourself in the business world to the way you treat others. Professionalism is such a broad category that it basically encompasses all of the other elements of a strong work ethic. Looking well-dressed, speaking well, and listening to other opinions and remarks makes for great professional character.

I love to display grace under pressure and this is my biggest blessing and asset. No matter how tight the deadline or heated the tempers, I always remain poised and diplomatic. Whether I am serving a customer, meeting with a client, or collaborating with colleagues, I do my best to respect everyone's opinions, especially under trying circumstances. This shows I value people's individual worth was well as their professional contributions. I do my best to show kindness and empathy even to those who wish to do me harm and try to understand that it may not be about me but about their own insecurities and sadness.

I can be relied upon to be dependable. I am always arriving at my employments 15-20 minutes earlier than my start time, rarely ever sick or take vacations, I am always prepared for my meetings, I delivery my work on schedule and usually in advance of deadlines, and never leave until all aspects of what is expected of me is completed. My reputation for reliability precedes me because I have proven over time that customers, clients, and colleagues can trust that I will do everything that I say that I will. It is an uncertain world, and I know that I am appreciated for the stability that I embody.

I am grateful for the blessing of dependability. I do not stop until the job is done and it is done correctly. "Good enough" is not good enough in my vocabulary for my team and I. I aim for outstanding in all that I do which includes college classes. church activities, and employment. I put in extra hours to make things right, give great attention to detail, and devotion to excellence. My passion shows in how hard I work and the results I achieve.

I do not let obstacles stop me and I enthusiastically embrace challenges like a mountain climber who ascends higher and higher until the summit is reached. I know that my job as an entrepreneur and employee is to solves my client's problems and I resolve continually to seek better and more innovative answers. With purpose and resilience, I push ahead, no matter how far I have to go. If a bully decides to seek havoc to reputation and employment, I ascend above with justice, perseverance, much better employment, and resolve. I expect others around me to meet the same high standards, and support those who accept responsibility instead of blaming others.

I love acknowledging everyone's contributions and freely share credit for accomplishments. I love showing gratitude to co-workers and colleagues who work hard, and show appreciation to customers and clients. I am open to learning from others, even as I teach people through my words, actions, and example. And, while I always take my work seriously, I strive to maintain a sense of humor about myself.

Am I grateful for this Christmas blessing? Absolutely! Because I know that despite challenges, I will always be able to work, work well, and support my family without outside resources. This is the best blessing ever, because ..

I ride the dark horse!