“Freedom is what you do with what’s been done to you.” ~ Jean
Paul Sartre
For many months I have
had a bully; a woman that I stood up to when I defended another friend
that she was verbally attacking. I have
had so many emotions while dealing with this situation and after she made a
call to my employment in attempt to slander, I was livid. I wanted to take revenge; make her feel the
hurt and resentment that I was feeling and in doing so, I have learned the
following to be true when dealing with my emotions:
- Resentment is the
poison you feel yourself in hoping that another person will die (yes, there
were times I wished she was dead; being honest).
- Forgiveness is a
choice.
- Refusing to forgive is
living in the past.
I thought I wanted to
forgive her. I knew what it was costing me to carry around the
resentment. The replaying of old
arguments and the anticipation of future conflict. Yet something in me didn’t want to forgive and this was the truth
that I had resisted owning for so very long.
We don’t like
admitting to the fact that some petty part of ourselves doesn’t want to forgive
people. We say we “don’t know how,” and that might be true, but the other truth
is that some part of us often doesn’t want to forgive. We don’t want to admit
that this part exists, because of all the stories it piles on top of us; stories
that we’re mean, petty, judgmental people. Of course, we are expressing mean,
petty, judgmental behaviors when we refuse to forgive. It is not intentional. It is that we have
been hurt and forgiveness feels like letting someone off the hook or pretending
that it was okay that they did what they did.
The irrational fear is that if
we forgive, someone else will do “it” again. But the truth is, whether or not
we forgive has nothing to do with controlling another person’s
behavior. People do what they do.
The only person to let off the hook is ourselves, by not concerning ourselves
with monitoring someone else’s behavior, or replaying the past.
So, how can I move through
the process of forgiving others? These
are not “easy steps” by any means, especially because many of them are worked
in tandem, but nonetheless they are pieces that make up the whole.
I had this
conversation again this week when the woman bully resurfaced yet again. It seems that she rears her ugly head when I
am at my emotional low point of the week.
This is when my husband and I spoke in length and how to forgive what
she is doing. I am more than upset that
she has chosen a week when we receive yet more bad news about his health. There is a quote by President Hinckley that
says, “"I
think [forgiveness] may be the greatest virtue on earth, and certainly the most
needed. There is so much of meanness and abuse, of intolerance and hatred.
There is so great a need for repentance and forgiveness. It is the great
principle emphasized in all of scripture, both ancient and modern. Somehow
forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes miracles that can happen in
no other way."
--Gordon B. Hinckley, "Forgiveness," Ensign, Nov. 2005, 81.
First of all , I have
to acknowledge the parts of the situation that I that don’t want to forgive; the
parts that want to punish by not forgiving and derive some artificial source of
power from withholding forgiveness. It is a sign of health that we become aware
of those places rather than pushing them away, pretending that they don’t
exist.
Secondly, if I am aware
already of the fact that I don’t want to forgive, consider the stories that go
along with that. I have already
mentioned a few. Perhaps the most common is that forgiveness will mean that
someone is absolved from responsibility for their behavior. Here is what I know: When someone wrongs
another, they always suffer. They might not tell you about it
or they might put on an air. They might not even be aware that their behavior
is at the root of their suffering. Trust me, they suffer. If someone is unkind,
they suffer from either the conscious belief that they were unkind, or they
suffer from the unconscious fallout of their behavior.
Third, find the common
ground. Where are you just like this
person that you don’t want to forgive? This is the part that people resist
most. Am I honest in all of my dealings
with others? What I’m suggesting is that
the two are borne of the same place. Deceit has its roots in fear; fear of
being honest, fear of not getting something needed. When we see that we are equally as capable of
acting out as the next person, and especially when we compassionately see the
fear that drove them to behave the way they did, there’s the potential for
release. That is a lot to take in!
Finally, realize that
lack of forgiveness is rooted in a lack of boundaries. This goes back to the fear that if
forgiveness were granted, “it” might happen again because the person thought
that they could “get away with” it. The moment that you decide that you won’t
tolerate the behaviors that lead you not to forgive is the moment that things
shift. Rather, I decide that I won’t
tolerate the put downs, I come up with a plan for how I am going to handle it
when they arise, and then you actually assert that boundary while looking at her with pure love because
you know that her put downs are causing her immense suffering (even if you
can’t see the suffering). But it really
is true: “Freedom is what we do with what’s been done to us.” It is not the circumstances of our lives that
matter. It is what we choose to do with them.
One commitment that I have made is to design a prayer notebook. My prayer notebook has been a helpful tool for me; it helps me pray with purpose and track God’s faithful answers to my prayers including protection from those who wish me discomfort or harm. There’s nothing magic about having a prayer notebook. It doesn’t pray for me. I still need to spend time every day reading saying my prayers and reading my scriptures. I write down the prayer of protection and the prayer of righteous anger towards this person and the request to help me in the road of forgiveness. I also write down the answers that seem to come from making sure that my prayers are heard. Here it is, the simple .. the faith that all will be right and good with my world ..
Because I ride the Dark Horse ..
