Perfectionism

PERFECTIONISM

A strange word.  A hated word.  And now more than ever do I feel the wrath of this word.  Perfectionism can drive people to great achievements.  It can provide the energy and motivation to keep going until a goal is reached.  Unfortunately, perfectionism has been one of the big contributors to my anxiety. 

The dictionary defines perfectionism as a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything else.  This can mean that if I do not live up to my own expectations of being perfect, I feel unworthy or low on self-esteem.

As a LDS woman, I feel that being perfect as a human being is impossible.  I can always do better.  When I read the Ensign or read social media about what other LDS women are doing, I feel that I do not measure up.  Even taking this class, I fall short.  I am in the Autumn of my life and yet I feel that I haven’t done close to what my Heavenly Father has expected of me.  Temple work, indexing, family history, my callings, my scripture reading, my prayer journey, let alone housekeeping, bookkeeping, husband keeping and children keeping.  How in the world can I be perfect in all of these things and righteous in all of my daily goings-on?!

I broke down in emotion to a girl friend of my mine because even this assignment had put me over the edge.  The first thing that she told me was ‘courage”.  She said, “You need to pat yourself on the back for forging ahead, in spite of how hard it is”.  Whether I know it or not, my strength making it through each day makes me a very courageous person.  Facing something really hard and getting through it every day, even when it feels as though I am dragging myself through is a huge accomplishment and “perfection”.

I was reading an article in Deseret News that spoke of how LDS women are at risk for depression due to “toxic perfectionism” and a host of other cultural factors.  This study was conducted by the University of Utah.  UVU Professor Kris Doty found five major factors that she said led to depression and anxiety among her test subjects; genetics, history of abuse, family relationships, feeling judged by others and toxic perfectionism.  How interesting that we are subjected to the perfect storm of unrealistic expectations, personal guilt and suppressed feelings.  We think that we can’t make a mistake so we become hyper-competitive and anxious.  If I think that I cannot make a mistake, I set myself up for failure.  

If you are like me, I often wonder where my Savior is in a horrid situation and I pray that He get me out of it.  In these times, I get angry with God and then turn it on myself stating that because I was not “perfect” I wouldn’t be experiencing this situation.  I need to understand that in my faith, He will get me through it and take my broken mess to help others heal like I have because I put my trust in the Lord.   This is “perfection”.   He is there in our imperfect state and if we were prefect, I guess we wouldn’t be here.  Do you experience anxiety in our classes with having to give a lesson or respond to a question?  We feel that we have to be perfect in our answers and presentations.  I need to understand that it is mortals that put me under this pressure and not my God.  Much easier said than done! AND, I completed this assignment! Perfection!

I Ride The Dark Horse ..