Even the Good, the Bad, and the Annoying!

 

Difficult people are everywhere, like it or not. It’s pretty certain that at some point in your life, you’ll come across a challenging person and will have to find a way to deal with them. It would be easy to think, “Why bother?” if being around them causes you hurt and grief. But it’s not as easy as that. Sometimes we’re just forced into situations we have little control over.

Being related is one such circumstance. In fact, family members are often the hardest to deal with, because they’re connected to us in a more complicated, intimate way. With difficult acquaintances like friends, colleagues, lovers, or neighbors, you may have to deal with them for a time, either until a conflict between you is resolved, or you are able to remove yourself from the situation. With family, we are almost obligated to go the extra mile for the sake of the integrity of the family group. In other words, personal relationships may affect the family as a whole. If you don’t get along with a family member, it may very well put stress and strain on other familial relationships as well.

It has been a difficult six years for me. My husband has "escaped" death four times and there are days when it seems as if he is declining. I have felt alone, discouraged, frustrated, and wished that a family member would walk up on my porch and say, "hey, let me carry some of this load with you". Unfortunately, it has felt like we have been cursed with a plague because even my brothers who should be my spiritual leaders have been non-existent with exception of attending the wonderful birthday parties I would host. I have learned to admit that until they experience what I have with my husband, it is a mute point to understanding their reasoning and absence.

So what do you do with those people you may not like very much and may not choose to have in your life, but are forced to deal with because they’re family?

Please don't try and fix a difficult person! Accept them exactly as they are. (This applies to all difficult people, not just family.) It’s tempting to try to help someone you want to care about; you probably will make some efforts to help them. Sometimes it works, but often your efforts will not be rewarded. In fact, trying to fix someone or make their life better may become a huge headache, since the more you do for them, the more they want from you. Accept that they are unable to change, at least at this point in time. Unless you see real change and proof that this person is making an effort to listen and meet you halfway; you can assume that their behavior is what it has always been. It’s important to temper your expectations about what others can and want to do. I have wanted to declare their shortcomings and mistakes to the world but I have resolved that silence is my past revenge and continue to love them and pray for their best from a distance.

It is important to be present and direct. Know that a person who is trying to stir up conflict can easily set you off emotionally, and even physically, possibly raising your heart rate and blood pressure. Try to avoid getting into a fight-or-flight response, which inevitably leads to becoming defensive. You do not want an argument or heated discussion. Stay true to yourself, grounded in your own integrity. Be direct and assertive when you express yourself. Stay focused on how you respond. Know when the discussion or argument has accelerated to the point of no return; meaning it’s no longer about conflict resolution, but just about winning. If it gets to this point, stop the interaction, and leave the conversation.

It is important to encourage difficult people to express themselves. Let them fully state their point of view about the issue/conflict/problem without interruption. Why do they feel judged or criticized by others? What do they feel people misunderstand about them? What do they want or expect from others? The idea is to remain as neutral as possible. Just listening, rather than trying to engage, may be enough to allow someone to feel like they have the opportunity to say what’s on their mind. Showing respect for another’s differences may go a very long way. I love to send cards and other loving momentos to let them know that they are loved, appreciated, and thought of. It makes me feel good also!

Copyright © 2022 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

candalee@candalee.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.

  My husband and I watched a limited series this weekend entitled, Little Fires Everywhere. Peace and harmony may be the goal for most families, but dysfunction is common and insidious and arrives in many forms. Family quarrels, grudges, and estrangements can have lasting effects, sometimes following members into old age. When one family member contends with a problem such as mental illness or alcohol, the entire household is impacted. In a dysfunctional home, there is normally no sense of unity or empathy or boundaries, and members can be highly critical of one another. This is what happened in this series when the mother decided what was correct for all members of her family and not acknowledging that each person within the family unit is individual in thought, action, and deed.
I realize after years and years of rationalization, my mother did not love me, let alone like me. My brothers did no wrong and received her love and devotion. The reason why some mothers hate their daughters is their dissatisfaction with their own lives.

Mothers are also the women who lived in an unequal society and were forced to do things that they never wanted to. Some mothers were forced to quit their studies and get married early. As I understand the history of my mother, it has assisted in my own healing. I see brothers who married the same dynamic as my mother; gossip, lying, living for appearance, adultery, and an exaggerated state of "perfection". The brothers allow the bad behavior because of fear of having a collapsed family like the one we grew up in. Of course, they would never defend me from the wrath of their wives and for me, that is a show of character no better than the family dynamic I grew up in.

But the important question that arises here is that is it right to blame the daughters? Is it right for the mothers to reinstate the patriarchal norms in their daughters’ life? Is it the daughter who should bear the guilt of her mother’s oppression, or the patriarchal institution? Yes, it was unfair that a mother was forced to change her choices and live a life that doesn’t value her self-respect and happiness. But it is equally unfair that the daughter is being punished for the wrong that she never did. She was not even there when her mother had undergone all the tribulations because of her gender. And now when it is the daughter’s turn to fight the gender stereotypes, she is conflicted and bewildered because her mother embodies the biggest barrier in her life. If a daughter cannot expect love, support, and encouragement from her mother, will she be confident enough to step out in the world? If a daughter is oppressed, controlled, and hated by her mother, will she be able to expect equality and respect from others? Where should she even start or end her fight when patriarchy thrives at home itself?

I may not be the "perfect religious" being, I may rebel, I might stand up for the underdog, I work hard, I love hard, I love my children as the individuals they are, and I do not pretend to be "perfect" because I am not. But what I am is an important part and a dignified member of my family, even if they do not wish me to be a part of the family. So dear mothers, please don’t resent your daughters. It is right to be dissatisfied or even angry with life and people that didn’t pay heed to your choices. It is never too late to raise your voice and slam your perpetrator (and all of those who assisted her). Because injustice is wrong, even if it happened decades ago. But then you must vent out your reaction in the right direction. And pointing it towards your daughter is not right. In the fight against gender inequality, the worst thing to do is to impose on your daughter or any other woman the same restrictions and hatred that you faced as a woman. It will only encourage injustice and women’s oppression rather than opposing them.

Rather than hating your daughters, raise them into feminists who will oppose every restriction and oppression that comes their way. Be the feminist yourself who has the will to raise your voice against the wrong done today or years ago. And who is proud of her gender and doesn’t perceive it as subordinate. Even though motherhood wasn’t your choice, make it a way to raise a generation where a woman will not bear the burden of unwanted pregnancy and imposed life choices.

Copyright © 2022 By CandaLee Parker 

IRideTheDarkHorse.com

candalee@candalee.com 

All rights reserved. This blog or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review or similar cited with author's name and copyright and only with written permission of the author.